Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

by Anonymous / 04/08/2016 at 5:43pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 11:01pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from my dad's house. He'd shaved her head bald. "For a laugh." FML

by Anonymous / 04/01/2016 at 5:06pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my son's first impression of our new neighborhood was to be yelled at by the first kid he tried to introduce himself to, because my son was on the edge of their lawn. Half-an-hour later, I got a lecture at the corner store, because the clerk thinks vaccinations caused my son's autism. FML

by ProudASDmom / 03/29/2016 at 10:39pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

by momlife / 03/28/2016 at 4:45pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2016 at 5:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

by mommyopps / 03/25/2016 at 10:14pm / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML

by sauve dino. / 03/24/2016 at 11:12pm / Kids

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

by anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 11:02pm / Kids

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2016 at 5:17pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, after a DNA test and getting his sperm count checked, my husband still doesn't believe our son is his. He was kicked in the nuts several times as a child, something he believes has rendered him infertile. FML

by ifunnybatman / 03/22/2016 at 12:03am / United States (Georgia) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

by humiliated / 03/20/2016 at 7:54am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, at my brother's baseball practice, two 6 year-old girls wanted a piggy back ride. I get this a lot due to my size, so after telling their mom how good I was with kids, I let one get on my back. I then promptly tripped over a puppy and face planted, resulting in a crying child. FML

by toot_toot_turtle / 03/16/2016 at 11:41pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.