Today, I got my dick sucked. Unfortunately, it was by the vacuum nozzle my cousin stuck down my pants. FML

by funnyERstory / 11/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend turned out to be a moron. Although he loves anal porn, he says gay sex is revolting. His reasoning? Because guys poop out of their buttholes. Apparently women don't. FML

by _kristaaxo / 11/21/2016 at 4:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I hosted an open house. I forgot about it and arrived as they were leaving. There were dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, and my dildo was on my dresser. FML

by Nicoleanne / 11/20/2016 at 9:08am / Intimacy

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

by NotTHATbad / 11/19/2016 at 12:26pm / Intimacy

Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

by boyBYE / 11/16/2016 at 6:30pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I met up with my boyfriend early before work to have some "fun time". We hadn't had sex in a while and decided to try it doggy style, up against the wall. We had been doing it for about 15 minutes until he abruptly stopped and said, "I don't know if it's in." It was. FML

by thisisstupid_17 / 11/16/2016 at 9:47am / Intimacy

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, 'But aren't we just friends?' We then sat and watched TV. FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2016 at 4:20am / Intimacy

Today, I bought myself a new perfume. Now, there's a sulky husband lying next to me in bed who can't get it up because I smell like his mum. FML

by moose / 11/14/2016 at 2:17pm / Germany (Bayern) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

by avocadotoe / 11/14/2016 at 1:52am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

by Lizzy / 11/10/2016 at 10:01pm / Intimacy

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

by Nightshade823 / 11/10/2016 at 2:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my ex-girlfriend from several years ago texted me. We were having a pleasant conversation until she asked me to give advice. Apparently, her current boyfriend is incapable of talking dirty, fingering, and other sexual aspects. She asked me to give him advice and pointers. FML

by KnowledgableEx / 11/10/2016 at 7:42am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML

by daughter in law / 11/08/2016 at 1:05am / United States / Intimacy