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Illustrated FML (334) - About FMyLife (90) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6) - Pictures (2)

14 Athletes who probably couldn't cut it at the Olympics

Unless you've been living under a rock, you’ll have noticed that the Olympic Games started in Rio a week or so ago. You might even watch them while wishing you were as fit as fuck. While the athletes you see on television excel in their profession, those we get to see on FML… not so much. Here’s the selection of our favourite Olympic-cum-sports disasters.


There were many junk issues…

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

Today, I got hit between the legs with a kayak. FML

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

While some let a little loose.

Today, I nailed every single move in my routine at a gymnastics competition. I then finished off with a perfect split, letting out a fart loud enough to wake up a kid in China. FML

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

Dad goals, tbh.


Some tried to impress the other sex.

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML


I feel you. Been there, done that, got the crappy t-shirt.

Today, I had just finished riding my bike when I ran into the girl I am secretly in love with. While I walked over to her I got an erection through my spandex biking shorts. FML

Or used to impress, in this probably now one-eyed guy’s case. 

Today, while playing badminton, I was so distracted by my ex winking at me that I didn't notice the shuttle cock that hit me in the eye. FML

Some deserved it…

Today, my fencing team took pictures for the yearbook. We were having individual pictures with our weapons, and it was my turn. When the photographer told me to pose, I tried to be super cool by quickly putting my sabre against my chest like some sort of soldier. I poked myself in the eye. FML

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

YEAH RIGHT.


And some were just purely out of luck.

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML


Tasty.


Anyway, for all of our would-be, also-ran athletes, here's a badge. Gold star for your efforts, go to the top of the class. Wear it with pride.


Congrats.

In the meantime, the rest of us will be watching the rest of the Olympics hoping for another broken leg, or fall someone to fall off the horse thing, or make a pathetic attempt at a dive from a really high diving board. Because that's what we do here at FML, we make fun of people doing things that we could never dream of doing, and being cynical twits while we're at it. See you soon!

#1606 - About FMyLife - On 08/17/2016 at 9:43am by Emma - 9 comments

Seal your FML Photos

Hi FML people of the world. We’re starting a new thing, something that you might enjoy. This is the dawn of a new beginning, says the movie trailer. As of today, we’ll be using the “FML Approved” seal of approval that our team has created.

Yep, we sat around, studied the way people use the internet, use their brains, we thought about it long and hard. We used all the resources we had, and brainstormed with the greatest comedy minds and Internet experts. What this all boils down to is the simple sentence, “This seal of approval is great and the FML users might like to use it.”
 

So, what's it for?

You lot are pretty good at coming up with funny stuff, and as you know, we’re interested in your lives, and God knows they are interesting. A simple look at the moderation page can tell us that odd things are happening right now. Well, except for the people in the Best of the Worst section, but less said about them, the better. To show you that we count you as part of the elite, this seal will now be one of your tools.

You'd probably seen FML Photos, where we asked you to come up with witty captions for photos that we put up for you. But considering pictures can be funny on their own merit, FML Photos’s little brother takes over. FML Photos is now about YOUR photos.
 

What can we do to help?

Your mission is to send us your weird and wonderful photos, anything that could be construed as an FML situation, but that is funny, crazy, amazing but most of all undescribable. Sometimes, a picture is worth a thousand words and therefore doesn’t need a caption. We must insist on the notion that they must be YOUR photos, not things that you’ve picked up off the Internet. We’ll delete and throw a hissy fit any fraudulent attempts.


So, what do we do?

Here are two examples, using pictures we found here and there. But remember, use your own pictures!

Number 1:


You’re at a family picnic, and you notice that the guy next to you at the table is sweating buckets (sorry to hear that BTW), but by examing him a bit closer, you can clearly see that his sweat stains have formed an amusing shape. You send it to us and BOOM, we stamp it with the FML Approved stamp and we’ll publish it straight into the FML Photos category.
 

Number 2:

 

You’re having fun burying your best friend at the beach. Everyone does it. Once he’s completely trapped, you put biscuit crumbs all around him to attract the seagulls (LOL, ROFLCOPTER). No need to explain what happens next, it’s a classic: head shot between the eyes. You send us the picture and WHAM, it’s stamped with the FML Approved seal.

Go on, admit it, you laughed. Or maybe just smiled a bit. We know you did.

To send us your pictures, there are several ways:

- By PM on Facebook

- Via e-mail to contact@fmylife.com

- On Twitter @fml with the hashtag #FMLApproved

 

OK, we get it. Anything else?

As the possibilities are endless, we’re counting on you for the seal to be all over the place. Use it freely!

To encourage you to send us your photos (and only YOUR photos), we’re giving away free FML books (the original and FML Around The World). To win, just be part of the best submissions. Hunting season is now open!

#1605 - About FMyLife - On 08/12/2016 at 5:26am by Alan - 9 comments

The Best of the Worst #25

Hi everyone. July just flew by and we didn't have time to cobble together a Best of the Worst, due to various events and vacations here and there, so here's August's edition. It's jam-packed with the same bunch of weird and wonderful loons that write FMLs to us in the vain hope that… well, we don't really know what they expected us to do with this shit. So, let's get on with it.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just plain old crap. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in. Have a look at this month's selection.
 

Ted's brother 

Today, my mom called ken nugent cause she got in a car acciedent . One call that’s all my butt ! Six calls that’s all !?

No offense

Today i was at school and this random kid walks up and says “yo can a nigga barrow a french frie” and my first thought wasn’t that he said the word the N word it was how is a nigga going to barrow a french frie nigga is u going to give it back. (not tryin to affend anyone) FML?


Smell this

Today, when I was going to work a homelis person said can u smell my foot for me and i i said u are a disgusting then he said I need a home so I gave him a tonnes then he sat down and said smell it FML?


Can you hear the drums, Fernando?

Today, I was having sex with my latino when my white boyfriend called to tell me an unknown male called the house looking for me. Apparently he sounded “black”. It was my mother… She is racist. Fml?


Quick

Today, my friend told me what a quickening was. its when your dad ejects his poo into the toilet. and you hold hands together and you smell the fumes while they stick to the roof of your mouth. i asked my dad to do it with me, he said yeah. after, i told my friend and he said i didnt have to do it.

 


Unreal

Today was thorpe worst.i got up a six,when I turned my head there was a stripper in my bed.i told my boyfrienf WTF.he said “I love you!”.i said unreal.he said wanna have sex.i was like whatever so I went for it.the next thing you know he left me for that fucking stripper.?


Don't stop

Today,my mind has become addicted to scratching my balls to the point that there is no skin on half of my scrotum. i’m trying everything I can think of to stop but I cannot stop. FML?

I'm so random!!

Today, I loved my dog like any other day. There’s nothing bad about that. I’m just random.?


Needless to say

Today, I cut the tip of my penis on a tuna can, let’s just say my girlfriend has a tuna fetish needless to say I ended things fml.?


Inception

Today, my dad had a dream to turn the world upside down. I said u can’t. Then said shut the fuck up. I can dream cant I. Then I said m. L. Already dreamt of that dream. He screamed you asshole. U fuckin bitch whore.?


That's it for this month. We'll hopefully be back next month for some more weird FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself live while they are sent it by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: This person thinks that FML is promoting… something foul. Well, maybe we are.
 

You evil bastards

I don’t use FML. Do you want me to just put the word ‘F***’ My Life? Because that’s basically what you’re promoting.?

#1604 - About FMyLife - On 08/10/2016 at 6:04am by Alan - 39 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hi there! FML still thinks it's on vacation in the sun, and that you are too, but we're going to give you something new to play with in the shape of a picture to caption. Concentrate, bring your A game.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo an intern found. Nothing containing famous people or anything off the TV. Just a quad bike and its rider covered in mud. At least we hope it's mud. Come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedic geniuses amongst you. Or is that genii ?


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1603 - Pictures - On 08/08/2016 at 9:50am by Alan - 107 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Whazzzzza?! FML is still stuck on references from the '90s, but we're going to give you something new to play with in the shape of a picture to caption. There's only one to have a go at, so we can avoid messing around with several photos, several captions, several headaches. Concentrate, bring your A game.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo an intern found on the internet. Nothing containing family members or anything off the TV. Just a washing machine on fire. Come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedic geniuses amongst you. Or is that genii ?


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1602 - Pictures - On 08/01/2016 at 9:09am by Alan - 128 comments