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FML's Thanksgiving Special: TGS

As many of us know through popular culture, today is Thanksgiving in the US. Come on, we’ve all seen a TV show involving a Thanksgiving dinner or plans to do so that have gone awry due to one of the main characters having an accident/the flu/a breakdown/Ebola. But a lot of the users on FML right now aren’t from the US, so they don’t give a shit. To quell the unnecessary, and frankly ridiculous anti-American sentiments we get now and again, we’ve put together an FML Thanksgiving special that will resonate within the hearts of most of our users, even the most jaded. We call it “Giving Thanks that I’m not ‘That guy’”.

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

‘That Guy Syndrome’, or TGS as it’s not called in the scientific community because I just made it up between the refrigerator and my desk, is what is used to refer to many protagonists in FMLs. You can spot them pretty easily in the examples that I’ve used in this article.

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

TGS just HAPPENS. You can’t really say that they deserved it, although many of our friends in the comments section will doubtlessly say that they did, simply for having a pulse and functioning limbs; things just seem to happen to them. It’s a syndrome that’s more of an affliction than anything else. Why does it happen? No one knows, mainly because I made it up, and no scientific data exists to say whether or not it actually makes sense, but I’m the one writing this, so bear with me.

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

See. This sort of thing happens even to people who think they’re being nice to others. It just happens. And by ‘That Guy’, I mean to refer to ‘The Guy No One Would Ever Want To Be’. Yes, I’ve used capitals for each word there. I’m hoping that it’ll become a song title, maybe written by Nick Cave, and he’ll thank me for the inspiration in the sleeve notes of his next album. But that sort of thing never happens. Why? Because of TGS.

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

That’s what I’m talking about. Now, I’ve never puked up a centipede, but I’m certainly thankful that I never have. That’s what today is all about. Not to belittle the significance of the USA’s Thanksgiving, I’m just saying that the rest of us should take some time today to, you know, be thankful that we’ve never puked up a centipede. And if you have, maybe there’s a support group out there somewhere for you guys.

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

Now, here’s a case of TGS that could imply that it’s his fault for getting into that situation in the first place. But as you get older, it’s part of life. You have to do this sort of thing. Driving kids about and having to listen to their inane conversations is thrust upon you like a sword at a knighting party. But still, who’d want to be in that car? Classic TGS.

Today, I boarded my first airplane flight. The girl on my right is sick, and the guy on my left says he gets extremely nauseous on flights. My earphones can't block out the panting and retching on either side of me. FML

Sexual antics, sexy time, sexual intercourse between two or more people. What could we be more thankful for today? The bedroom is of course a great place for TGS to strike. Especially if you’re across the street with a pair of binoculars and a thermos flask full of tea. You dirty little perv. It’s a lot less amusing when you’re part of the incident. 

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

I’m not saying that has happened to me, but it has. No, it hasn’t. Or has it? I’m a man of mystery, and a very dodgy memory. TGS can really hit at any moment. Who would want to be on the receiving end of a statement like that? Be thankful today that your partner enjoys your love life. Or at least has the decency to let slide the fact that you are crap in bed. You know who you are.

I’ll finish off this day of thanks with the ultimate in TGS FMLs. Be thankful above all today for what you have right now, whether it’s your friends, family, loved ones, your cat, dog, guitar, car, house and home because it can all change at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop, if you’re Skrillex.

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

Maybe there will one day be an International Day of Thanks, hoping for a life free from TGS. Take care.

#1485 - Ramblings - On 11/26/2014 at 5:52am by Alan - 23 comments

K'Naye's illustrated FML

Woohoo it's the weekend! Winter is all around some of us, but not in our hearts. To help fight off the cold and seasonal depression, this week we're taking a look at love and tenderness. It's what keeps us going here at FML. No, we don't live off mockery and schadenfreude, there's a beating heart underneath the cold glare and the steel-like muscles. We all like surprises, especially ones like clowns appearing in dark alleys in the middle of the night, or laying down into a puddle of cat piss on your bed after a night out partying. So this week, we're celebrating life, love and flowery gifts that don't smack of desperation.

K'NAYE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"For my 30th birthday, I finally made my dream come true and learned to play the trumpet. I'd like to say hello to my friendly and understanding neighbours!"

Self-portrait Karine by K'Naye

 


K'Naye, is Karine. She has a weird nickname, but it's just a mixture of her name and surname, so it's nothing weird. Nothing to do with the KKK or Special K. Good.

Her info:
Age: 30
Location : Vanves, France
BlogK'Naye Blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the surprise


As you can see, she's quite good at drawing things. I hope her style will be OK with everyone. It's getting hard to reach a general consensus, but then again art is subjective. However, it's difficult to explain to some people who get all agitated as soon as they don't like something, not to mention the humour police come out in force. So this week, you could say we're in presence of high-level talent. In everyday life she's "a graphic designer by trade, I recently set up my own business. The big freelance adventure! Which means that I'm working in several complementary sectors at the moment like webdesign, video editing (I'm trying it out), illustrating and blogging of course!" Go and check out her blog, it's worth a look. 

She started drawing for quite an amusing reason: "The legend goes that one day I asked my dad to draw me a man. He didn't really know how to draw, so he traced out onto a piece of paper a man - 4 sticks and a circle. I was so disappointed, really really disappointed. And as you know, if you want something done properly, you're better off doing it yourself, that day I decided to learn how to draw. I was 4 years old." So, since then she's undergone an Applied Art program at high school, "and then a diploma after high school. But despite all that, I've never considered myself as a "real artist" (other than the neurotic side to my personality maybe). I started my professional career as an employee in small media agencies, then larger ones. Today, I'm trying the freelance adventure which allows me to vary my everyday life, organise my calendar and my work as I want, even though I'm the worst boss I've ever had." Freelancing seems terrifying to me, I don't think I could do it. You need to have a lot of talent to be self-reliant, I lost my talent down the back of sofa once, and I never managed to get it back.

Has she got any project or activities to tell us about? "Very few as an illustrator. You can find a few of my drawings in some cookery boxes called Oobon, but they're in French and they're for children. With the launch of my company, I don't have much time for my blog, telling stories about my travels or trying new drawing techniques… But I still get ideas for stories and projects. On the other hand, all this is a sign that I've got a job, so I'm not going to complain, am I?" Nope, you should never complain about work, never. Especially not on the Internet. It's a theme that is often talked about on FML. If someone complains about something relating to their job, someone will ALWAYS comment something ridiculous, such as, "At least you've got a job, stop whining". It's really annoying and missing the point. It's like saying, "Oh, you fell off your bicycle? At least you've got a bicycle when people are starving in the streets." The starving people in Africa argument is a favourite as well. People who comment this sort of dross should just stop. 

What does she enjoy doing? "I'm a hopelessly passionate person, which means I'm not going to be able to make a complete list. I can't stop moving, so I can't live without sport. It's my drug of choice. After basketball and volleyball, which were a bit too bland, I took up roller-hockey, which I do a lot. There's also cycling (my fast transportation), longskate (my not-so-fast transportation), surfing, snowboarding and this year's new thing, Tai-Chi." Just reading all of that has worn me out. 

What about artists and cultural stuff? "My favourites are Joe Madureira, David Gilson, Orpheelin, Silver, Katikut, Goni Montes… Poulet aux prunes (a french movie) and Her are the latest movies that moved me deeply. As for music, I recently discovered Mnozil Brass, a virtuoso Austrian band, they're mad. Check out their videos on YouTube. In comics, I dribble with admiration when looking at drawings by La Licorne and the Baker Street Four. The last book I really enjoyed was 'The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society'.

How about a personal FML to end the interview? "It just so happens that I'd started telling the story of my biggest embarrassment in a little comic book called 'Once upon a time…'. The day I was supposed to start an internship, I lost a shoe… In the subway. As I haven't finished the comic, but I intend to one day, I'm not going to spoil the ending!" The shoe in the subway, a familiar site to anyone who users public transportation every day. I've never lost anything in the subway, except maybe my composure and dignity.


OK, I think that'll do for now. Thank you K'Naye for taking part, and for being so cool. Because she is super cool. Now we can go back to normal, everyday things, like going outside, falling in love, listing to french love songs, be disappointed by people who take advantage whenever they can, eat some carrots, look out of the window while cuddling a cat, whatever makes you happy. Be excellent to each other, take care.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1484 - Illustrated FML - On 11/21/2014 at 5:22am by Alan - 0 comments

Emily Chan's Illustrated FML

This week, we landed a spacecraft on a comet. Not FML, though. You've got to admit that the human brain is quite amazing when it comes to resources, creativity and inventing new ways to push things forward. On the one hand, there's a dedicated team of people who've managed to do something that seems to be right out of an Isaac Asimov novel. On the other, some twit in a plane flew over the First World War commemorations in France in a plane to protest the gay marriage law that was voted in ages ago, and he can't get over his homophobia. I'm paraphrasing, of course. But it's odd how some people can use their minds for progress and the greater good, and others use it to try and drag us back to the middle ages. Love knows no boundaries, and progress always wins, as does the truth. This week, truth is at the heart of this weeks illustrated FML. So let's check out who's lying, who's telling the truth and who's the third wheel.

EMILY'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"But by night, I am an evil villain whose name shall never be revealed."

Self-portrait Emily by EyChan

 


Emily is back! Wahey! She's already been on FML, you can find her previous work by clicking on this link. Welcome back!

Her info:
Age: 27
Location: Los Angeles, California
Blog : EyChan
Her illustrated FML: The one with the text


So, who is the person behind the cute drawings of foxes and, erm, dinosaurs? She lives in California, the place where hopes go to live and die. Artists are millions out there, and Hollywood is a huge machine that crushes them regardless of whether they are still breathing or not. But Emily seems happy out there. Maybe illustrators are less touched by the madness that seems to inhabit most of the people who flee there, full of dreams of celebrity and fame, you know the type: the people walking around Hollywood Boulevard and around Planet Hollywood wearing sunglasses at night, pretending to be actors, all the while working as waiters during the day. "By day, I'm your typical office employee stuck in front of a computer and surrounded by never-ending paperwork. But by night, I am an evil villain whose name shall never be revealed*.

*...I'm a freelance artist."

What's her current news, work-wise or personal? "I am working on a personal webcomic called StupidFox which I keep saying I'm going to retire from but that somehow never happens because I keep having ideas for it. Aside from that, I have small projects here and there, on and off, and everywhere. And then here's FML hassling me about making illustrations for them. (I'm kidding, please continue hassling me; I'm so lonely)." OK, we will, because we always need quality illustrations for our FMLs. Speaking of which, the other illustrators reading this article, feel free to get in touch to tell us all about your creations and your desire to illustrate an FML. We won't bite, we're actually very nice people. Well, some of us are. So get in touch, we'd love to hear from you.

What inspires you? "Only music can really get me to draw. However, to inspire me, it has to be my favourite song or genre. When I get tired of those songs, inspiration fails me and I'm unable to draw. This is why I constantly need to find new music every month or so to keep them in stock." I think that the worst thing that you can be subjected to when you are trying to work is other people's music. For example, I'm trying to write this article while my colleagues are blaring their godawful musical tastes, and it's like sitting in Hell. Thankfully, I have the self-control of a Shaolin Monk with an opium addiction. Long live working from home is what I say. It's the only way to work if you want to write something properly, because then I can concentrate while listening to John Cage's "4'33"". That, or earplugs.

What does she enjoy in life? "I'm a bit of a workaholic, so I enjoy working and having things to do. I obviously also like to draw (as a hobby), but never considered doing it professionally since I believe that once something gets turned into a job, it's not as fun to do anymore. I'll have days where I will have free time and don't want to do anything, so during that time I enjoy video games and/or sitting around watching cheesy horror movies while eating *everything*." OK, I can see a bit of myself in that description, if you replace the video games by guitars and horror movies by documentaries about ridiculous conspiracies. That's all that's left for us to do before the massive asteroid hits the planet anyway.

How about a personal FML to finish off? "I was lurking around Facebook when I discovered that the bully/enemy that tormented me during my childhood was a mutual friend of my boyfriend." Ah yes, Facebook, bringing you closer to your past, for better and usually for worst.

We'll hop off now for this week. We can thank Emily for her illustration, and grumble a bit because she's in California where I'm sure it's sunny and warm, and most of us are in the cold. Are we? I certainly am. It's so cold where I am, I got to smell that wonderful smell of burning dust and all the dead insects that had piled up inside my electric radiators the first time I turned them on this autumn. Lovely. Anyway, have a nice weekend, a nice week and be excellent to each other. See you next time!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

 

#1483 - Illustrated FML - On 11/14/2014 at 11:56am by Alan - 2 comments

The Best of the Worst #9

Veteran's Day has now been and gone. We've done our bit. We've made peace with spelling mistakes, called a truce with grammar and the cold war with syntax is over. Yep, it's once again the time of month to check out the weirdest FMLs we've received over the past few years. Remember, this is exactly how they are submitted, we haven't changed a thing. Here we go. 

As we've explained each time, the people who sent these… things to us are all real human beings. There's no software, no robot, no donkey with a pencil writing these. We pick these out of the FML mailbag out of thousands to show what we have to put with while we are moderating the stories that eventually end up on the main page. It's sometimes funny, sometimes baffling. Read on. 
 

The Squid

Today, I finally realized who the squid was. My friends have made fun of a kid they call the squid for years, and not wanting to look stupid, I never asked who the squid was. I’m the squid. FML

Cut

I had my penis surgically removed. I am getting married next week. I am a virgin, and now I always will be.
 

Scream

Today, my parents sat on the pourch blasting “Play that Funky Music Whiteboy” and screaming things about gay sex…and my crush lives across the street.
 

Insomnia

Yesterday my sleep-deprived eyes saw Jason and the Argonauts’ ship in the ocean searching for the golden fleece. FML.
 

In a bubble

Today, i thought it was cool that i had procrastinated from doing my english project the previous day. I thought about it and then I realized how dumb it was that for my prorastinating, I was solving a rubix cube for 3 hours and masturbating with bubble wrap. FML. 
 

Live long and prosper

Today, I was debating the pros and cons of have sex with my Star Trek obssessed science teacher. FML
 

SUPER SEXY

Today, my Spanish teacher got her stuffed dead chicken tangled in my hair. FML
 

Bench mark

I got my penis stuck in a park bench.
 

Easy Rider

Today, my girlfriend told me she loves me. Explaining her love for me, she told me that last night she had a dream of me dressed up as a Russian vampire driving a motorcycle. FML
 

Technical issues

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML
 

That's it for now. We'll be back in December, with more of the same. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more of them by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and go for a jog.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track:

 

Public address

I HATE THE FUCKING WORLD YOU KAN ALL GO DIE YOU MASTURBATING FUCKFACES I HHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEE YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU SSSSSUCK MY FUCKING VAGINA YUM YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DNT YOU ALL HAVE SEX ON MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1482 - About FMyLife - On 11/12/2014 at 5:41am by Alan - 89 comments

Sarah Andersen's illustrated FML

I've been told A$AP Rocky regularly reads this page. I'm not sure if this is true or if I just made it up 30 seconds ago, but I want to believe it's true. I heard it through the grapevine, and if even laid-back but hardcore rap artists are starting to check our the illustrated FMLs section, it means we must be doing something right. Or I did indeed make it up to try to impress people. Speaking about the things we do to impress, this week the illustration is all about what women have to go to to look good, to be accepted in today's society, the terrible influence of the patriarchy on… Oh sorry, wrong meeting. Anyway, let's get our hands dirty.

SARAH'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I currently live in an apartment that has warped floors, so I create my work at a desk while sitting in a rolley chair that's constantly rolling away from the desk!"

Sefl-portrait Sarah par Sarah

 


Sarah is Sarah Andersen. I've enjoyed her work for quite a while now, especially one cartoon which struck a chord within my soul. her style is immediately recognisable.

Her info:
Age: 22
Location: Brooklyn, NYC
BlogSarah's Scribbles
Her illustrated FML: The one with the legs

So, yet again, we're lucky to have someone who is quite well known on the Internet. I just sent her an e-mail, because I was a fan, then another e-mail to reassure her that I wasn't an Internet stalker weirdo dude, and that I really did want her to appear on FML, and she relented. And did a great job. We also post on VDM, the french website, so I'm quite pleased to be able to translate her work into french.

So, who is she? "Right now, I'm earning my income through a mixture of balancing freelance projects, syndication contracts, and selling zines and postcards of my webcomic, Sarah's ScribblesEverything is very hectic in my life right now. I just graduated, moved to Brooklyn, and am working on a ton of different things.  I'm experiencing a limbo period where I'm getting settled and figuring everything out." That's interesting, I'm planning on coming to NYC soon to do some sight-seeing. I've never been, and a friend recommended that I find a place to stay in Brooklyn because she lived there and it's supposed to be amazing, so… Nah, only kidding.

What sort of diploma was it? "I just graduated a few months ago from an art school called the Maryland Institute College of Art, and so far being an artist has been challenging but exciting. I'm very lucky to have found work as a cartoonist/illustrator, even if it comes in the form of working on a ton of different things at once!" It seems quite fulfilling: "I love connecting with people by making them laugh. Cartooning is something that comes naturally to me and I enjoy doing it a lot. In the future, I want to create more editorial and lifestyle illustration work.  I illustrate under a pen name (Sofia Christiansen) because the style is so different from my cartoons."

Has she always scribbled? What inspired her, and who does she currently like? "I always drew since childhood, but when I was in Middle School, I loved anime and manga and it made me really excited about drawing. That excitement stayed even as I got interested in other things.  Anime still influences the way I draw facial expressions." What about artists-as-heroes? "As a cartoonist, I have to say Bill Watterson. A lot of people cite him, but he set a very high standard for cartoonists. Reading his comics as a child really taught me a lot about cartooning before I ever knew I wanted to makes comic. As an illustrator, Ernest Shepard, who made the original Winnie the Pooh drawings. I keep a book of his illustrations open almost every time I draw more serious pieces so I can learn from his style."

What's her thing? "I love podcasts. When I have a couple of hours to just draw and listen to podcasts, I'm in heaven. A good one is the new podcast Serial." What about music and stuff to pass the time? "My favorite singer is Lana Del Rey.  Anyone who knows me knows that I've spent an embarrassing amount of time listening to her latest album Ultraviolence.
In terms of movies, books, TV, and comics, these are the last of each that I've seen/read; Gone Girl, Factotum by Charles Bukowski, The Office (late, I know), and Mutts by Patrick McDonnell." Hey, I'm currently reading "Hollywood" by Bukowski. Love that guy. And when I come to Brooklyn, where should I get something to eat? "If you're ever in Brooklyn, NY, go visit a place called Brooklyn Kolache.  A lot of people don't know what Kolaches are, but once you have one, your life will be forever changed." Duly noted, but now I'm hungry for something that I don't even know.

How about a personal FML to finish off? "I actually submitted one a few years ago. My parents left me alone in the house over the weekend, and right before they came back a squirrel somehow got in and knocked over all the dishes!" Yep, that's an FML alright. I had a pigeon fly in and take a dump all over my sweaters in my cupboard once. I had to get it out with a broom and a lot of shouting at it. Halcyon days…

That's it for this weekend. We can all go back to our normal activities, like helping people in need, painting an old chair, dancing around your living room with your cat, calling your parents to tell them that you love them, smoke some catnip, go to a jazz concert and laugh at the fart noises and the people with the serious expressions on their faces scratching their beards. Anything is possible this weekend. Be excellent to each other, and have fun.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1481 - Illustrated FML - On 11/07/2014 at 5:36am by Alan - 4 comments


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  • FML's Thanksgiving Special: TGS
  • As many of us know through popular culture, today is Thanksgiving in the US. Come on, we’ve all seen a TV show involving a Thanksgiving dinner or plans to do so that have gone awry due to one of the main…

Wednesday 26 November 2014

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