Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

by Fish Breath / 06/03/2016 at 6:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

HollyQuinn's comment : That's absolutely gross and mean. Frats are awful.

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Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

by Revelyn / 06/03/2016 at 6:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

ScratchCatPower's comment : Well, you couldn't help it. If she's an acupuncture doctor I'm sure she's dealt with it before. You'll survive.

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Today, a large spider climbed inside my lunchbox while my mom was making me sandwiches. She didn't tell me about it until after I got home from school, though, and only because I mentioned a strange aftertaste in the sandwiches. She said she didn't want me to worry over lunch because she knows I hate spiders. FML

by Arachnaphobe / 06/03/2016 at 6:14pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

ragnarok1540's comment : That sounds a bit suspicious. If your mom was making the sandwich while the spider climbed into your lunchbox, how did the spider get completely inside your sandwich in such a way that you would not see a leg or two sticking out or otherwise notice beforehand? I think you should inspect all your food before you eat, and consider hiring a taster tester. Your mom may have it in for you ...

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Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

by larsn / 06/03/2016 at 4:32pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, the police finally recovered my stolen car. All it took was a shootout and two people dying. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2016 at 3:46pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went in for a root canal. After a heavy dose of anesthetic, my tooth still wasn't numb, which I only realized when they started drilling. FML

Today, I dropped my daughter off at a concert where she was performing and went to look for parking. I got caught in freak traffic and it took me an hour to get back there. I missed her act. FML

by RoseRodent / 06/03/2016 at 1:58pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

by Joshua / 06/03/2016 at 1:53pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I went to a professional development meeting with my boss to discuss how I'm doing and what we want from each other next year. I left without a job. FML

Today, during a layover between two flights, I managed to catch a shower. Too bad it was ginger ale and not water. FML

by theamazingd / 06/01/2016 at 4:31pm / United States (New York) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wallet got stolen. I don't have a photo ID to get a temporary debit card, and since I don't have a debit card, I can't go to the DMV to get a new license. FML

by Dixienornous / 06/03/2016 at 7:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

2016/06/03
Blog

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

by KiwiMaid / 06/03/2016 at 6:31am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous