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Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

#21227114
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43104) - you deserved it (6999)

On 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm - kids - by WickedRene (woman) - United States (New York)

evolution8's comment : I hope you didn't give him that cookie and taught him how to speak

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Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

#21227050
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37268) - you deserved it (3253)

On 08/01/2014 at 8:20pm - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (Quebec)

WhatsOpTic's comment : Just tell him like father like son

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Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

#21227005
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39006) - you deserved it (10752)

On 08/01/2014 at 7:10pm - misc - by infortunatename - United States (California)

littlesarahxo's comment : Princess Consuela Bananahammock?

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Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

#21226986
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32193) - you deserved it (15519)

On 08/01/2014 at 6:38pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

#21226906
58 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33781) - you deserved it (22458)

On 08/01/2014 at 4:45pm - misc - by whoops (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I confided to my grandma that I'm suffering from depression and I feel like a burden to everyone. She replied that her grandpa used to suffer from depression too, but that he'd cured himself in the end, namely by committing suicide. Thanks, grandma, thanks. FML

#21226890
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39315) - you deserved it (3549)

On 08/01/2014 at 4:09pm - health - by lacieQ (woman) - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

#21226819
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52085) - you deserved it (3624)

On 08/01/2014 at 2:27pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (Glasgow City)

Today, I had to explain to my father why it isn't a good idea to shove a metal knife into the toaster when trying to get at a small piece of toast. This man is 45-years-old and has a PhD. FML

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

#21226442
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34804) - you deserved it (4363)

On 08/01/2014 at 1:33am - money - by baconistasty27 - United States (California)

Today, I got sent to the head teacher's office for doing "stupid hand gestures and disrupting the class". Yesterday my teacher told the class to do the same hand gesture to ask for permission to go to the toilet so it wouldn't interrupt her talking. FML

#21226435
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38561) - you deserved it (2685)

On 08/01/2014 at 1:24am - misc - by Bad Teacher - Australia (Queensland)

Today, my fiancé said "Rachel" instead of my name when asked to repeat, "I take thee, Emily, to be my lawfully wedded wife." I was shocked, so he explained while laughing that he doesn't even know a Rachel. He ruined our wedding for a Friends quote. FML

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

#21226277
47 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33991) - you deserved it (3411)

On 07/31/2014 at 10:50pm - misc - by RiceSickle (man) - United States (California)

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

#21226147
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34202) - you deserved it (3105)

On 07/31/2014 at 8:17pm - love - by Does this thought count? (woman) - Canada (Ontario)



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