Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

by scarred for life / 05/28/2016 at 1:23am / United States (Indiana) / Health

almightyymarcus's comment : You should go to the doctor But I'm Glad you were trying to make a good life decision by trying to live healthier OP keep up the good work

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Today, my brother came out on Facebook, with a message including the words "I got nothing against gays. Except my dick!" I replied "Eww!" My second comment, "Eww because of the analogy, lol." disappeared among a load of replies tearing me apart for being a homophobe. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 11:47pm / United States / Miscellaneous

EsotericAura's comment : I'm not sure why you wouldn't just edit your original comment instead of writing a second message. There's a reason why the editing option exists.

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Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

_Peppermint_'s comment : Insecure, much? I'm sorry he wasn't a true friend, op !

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Today, my bank refused to replace the debit card that I lost because, to prove I was the owner, I had to tell them about my last purchase and I couldn't remember it. I showed them my ID, and that could have worked, had they not misspelt my name on the account. FML

by KaylaRox1908 / 05/27/2016 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

by rykelmb / 05/27/2016 at 7:40pm / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, my skittish cat almost fell off my bed. He caught himself, though. Using his claws on my bare foot. FML

by MercyRoseLiddell / 05/27/2016 at 3:13pm / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband was being obnoxious, so I jokingly sprayed him with the dish hose. The floor got wet, and he slipped and busted his knees. Our daughter rushed over to him to see if he was okay, then slipped and busted her head on the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 3:09pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

by ~~~~ / 05/27/2016 at 2:45pm / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Miscellaneous

Today, I overheard my ex bragging to his buddies about how freaky his new girlfriend is, what with her animal tail butt plugs and such. Towards the end of our relationship, he called me disgusting for suggesting we spice things up with handcuffs. FML

by Anonymous / 05/27/2016 at 1:15pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my dad mentioned how quickly I go through batteries. I've been single and celibate since I moved back home 11 months ago. He doesn't realize this and keeps asking about "missing" batteries. FML

by thundermoo / 05/27/2016 at 12:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, due to a new tattoo, I can't wear a bra for the next few days. My coworker knows about it and thought it would be funny to blast the air-con all day. I swear I could have used my nipples to type this, instead of my fingers. FML

Today, I woke up with intense pain and bruising. It turned out I'd suffered such a rare kind of wrist bone dislocation that the doctors aren't sure how to fix it. FML

by chazzywazzy654 / 05/27/2016 at 9:20am / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, swimming with a friend, we had the bright idea of throwing our swimsuits into the water, letting the current bring them back. Mine never came back. FML

by monjecalvo / 08/07/2012 at 7:59pm / Costa Rica (Alajuela)