Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

by J / 08/30/2016 at 1:20pm / United States (Colorado) / Love

MrLonelyHertz's comment : Well, either she's playing around and doesn't mean it, or you've got yourself a problem there, Houston!

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Today, after missing my flight and being stuck on the other side of the globe, I received a call telling me that the "male, neutered" kitten I adopted 7 months ago is now pregnant. FML

blairiofosterio1's comment : Did you just assume the cats gender?! TRIGGERED

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Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

by QuietGirlSucks / 08/30/2016 at 11:51am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

sparkledoge's comment : "Quietgirlsucks" you know, just because apparently even though she's quiet, she can get shit done instead of just staring at a guy and commenting on how hot and dreamy he is. So lame, right ?

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Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

by Anonymous / 08/30/2016 at 11:01am / Work

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

by forever alone / 08/30/2016 at 9:55am / Trinidad and Tobago (San Fernando) / Miscellaneous

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

by ckatia / 08/30/2016 at 5:29am / Health

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

by fabiennemorin35 / 08/30/2016 at 5:29am / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Work

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

by spaghett / 08/29/2016 at 4:32pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

2016/08/30
Twitter

Par fmlintheuk

Today, I realized after turning in my resume to over 100 job openings over the past month, that the resume I've been submitting does not have my phone number or any other contact information besides my name. FML

by KayIsKiwi99 / 08/29/2016 at 3:00pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was motivated enough to run on the treadmill for the first time in a long time. The movement knocked my downstairs neighbor's ceiling fan down. FML

by meglast / 08/29/2016 at 12:48pm / United States (Texas) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

by left alone / 08/29/2016 at 8:46am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my mother and I were watching a movie. She got up to go to bed, and I blurted out, "Please don't leave me." Her response: "You really need a boyfriend." FML

by shrek / 08/29/2016 at 6:26am / United States (Tennessee) / Love