Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

by mavrick127 / 09/29/2016 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

kelciimackk's comment : life's hard when you're not

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Today, I was travelling. At airport security, the woman patting me down felt something "down there" and asked me what I was wearing. I told her it was a sanitary napkin. She put her hands inside my pants just to be sure. FML

by sufia / 09/29/2016 at 7:14am / Pakistan / Transportation

ab290's comment : what was she expecting, an AK47 in your vagina?

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Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years in front of the sell-out crowd at the baseball game, but at the security checkpoint, the security guard made me take the ring out and open it after I walked through the metal detector. No need to say it, worst proposal ever. FML

by Malcolm654 / 09/28/2016 at 11:20pm / United States (California) / Love

nodeathtoall's comment : I know it's not how you planned But after a while you guys can laugh about it Unless she said no Then sorry op

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Today, I stumbled upon a slightly drunk neighbor, trying to type in the entry code with his penis. FML

by franska / 11/02/2015 at 7:14pm / Suède (Skane Lan)

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

by SoDamnBroke / 09/28/2016 at 9:13am / South Africa / Money

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2016 at 9:08am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

by ItWasOurAnniversary / 09/28/2016 at 8:08am / Australia / Health

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

by christacat / 09/28/2016 at 6:24am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

by tedfragle / 09/28/2016 at 5:52am / United Kingdom (Bournemouth) / Love

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

by HomeChump / 09/28/2016 at 1:49am / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

by RIP job / 09/28/2016 at 12:26am / Australia / Work

Today, two months into my new marketing job, I presented my first webinar live to over 300 people. Half the audience complained about the horrible sound quality, saying all they could hear was a Mickey Mouse squeaky sound. Turns out it wasn't the sound quality, it was my voice. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2016 at 5:29pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, while on break from work, I went to the cafeteria and bought cheese cubes. One of my coworkers, who is usually very pleasant, asked to try some and I said yes. She ate all the cheddar cubes in the bowl, which are the only ones I like. I wasted $3 for someone else to eat my food. FML

by IJustWantedCheez / 09/27/2016 at 1:37pm / United States (Texas) / Work