Today, I was talking to my mum about how I'd quite like to have kids someday. She responded: "Well, nowadays they let singles adopt as well, don't they?" FML

by Forever Alone / 06/14/2016 at 5:26am / Love

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

by Watsausrname / 06/13/2016 at 10:31pm / Miscellaneous

Mauskau's comment : I would've just laughed it off. Doesn't matter if it was my sister or not, hoes gotta hold up and wait for their turn.

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Today, my drunk boyfriend flipped out and told me I was a total control freak, and that he couldn't handle how weird and clingy I am. All I did was ask if his phone was charged. FML

by staciefacecat / 06/13/2016 at 9:03pm / Love

Today, I found out that after interviewing for two jobs at great companies, I was neck and neck with one other person for each position. They both offered the job to the other person. FML

by Bummed / 06/12/2016 at 3:44pm / Work

Today, I walked in on my 12-year-old sister, naked, streaming herself eating a banana. FML

nattnatt73's comment : Oh wow, that's child pornography. Sounds like she needs therapy

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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to mix it up and find a good place outdoors to have fun. After an hour of climbing up a rocky mountainside to a completely isolated clearing, out of the way of any hiking path, he was still so paranoid that he finished within 20 seconds. FML

by Welpthatwasfast / 06/10/2016 at 3:57am / Intimacy

Tripartita's comment : Then a nearby game of hide and seek breaks out, adding to the confusion when the seeker shouts, "ready or not, here I come!"

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Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted to take a break. At least she gave me a parting gift. Lice. FML

by Anonymous / 06/09/2016 at 9:08pm / Love

Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML

by . / 08/05/2016 at 12:57pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML

by snazz23 / 08/05/2016 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

by Marteeny / 06/08/2016 at 11:14pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

by radiantum13 / 06/08/2016 at 10:33pm / Work

Today, I was on a first date at a bar, when a girl walks over and ask me if I'm a doctor. I said yes, thinking she overheard me talking about my PhD. The girl then showed me a lump on her breast and asked what to do about it. My date then slapped me and left. FML

by The Doc / 06/07/2016 at 6:41pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom and proudly showed me how far back he could stand from the toilet while he peed. Unfortunately, he got distracted and peed all over the floor I had mopped just an hour before. FML

by Anonymous / 06/07/2016 at 3:45am / Love