Today, a cute guy came up to me and asked for my phone number. I was super excited and began to write it down when he said, "It doesn't have to be your real number, I'm not gonna call anyway." I still gave him my real number. FML

by Anon / 08/14/2016 at 6:58am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

DelugeandDrought's comment : That guy is an ass. If you were still willing to give him your number after that line, it really does reflect how you feel about yourself. No one can convince you to feel differently about yourself, but I personally believe, no matter who you are, you should feel enough respect for yourself to know and understand you deserve way better than that asshole. I'm sure most people on here agree. I hope he doesn't call. Why? I hope you find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve as a human being from the beginning to the end.

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Today, my bitchy manager got back from vacation. To be nice, I asked her how it was. She said "not long enough". I mumbled "I agree". She definitely heard. FML.

okamiyazaki's comment : You sure you're not the bitchy one?

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Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

by CJ / 08/11/2016 at 9:02pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

fordneagles's comment : Clearly this is the closest your moustache has been to her pubes in a while, if this bothers you.

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Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

by skipperpop / 08/11/2016 at 6:24pm / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

by professionalmedicineman / 08/11/2016 at 3:25pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work

Today, I have been training a co-worker in a new position. After two months he still doesn't know how to do any of the work, and I'm stuck trying to do two jobs. FML

by Tatteredgirl / 08/11/2016 at 9:31am / United States (Indiana) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my car broke down on my way home from university. I tried calling for help, only to realise my phone had completely run out of charge. Luckily, I had passed a police station so I decided to walk the 10 minutes down the road to ask for a phone. When I got there, the station was closed. FML

by supercalifragilisticexpialidocious / 08/11/2016 at 4:33am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2016 at 8:24pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I went on my first date in seven months. We hit it off really well, having a lot of things in common. The only thing we don't have in common is a tan line from a wedding ring. FML

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2016 at 4:53pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I found a parking spot in front of my work. I parked and another car pulled into the spot just in front of me. The next thing I know, the car in front backs up and slams into my car. Turns out she didn't notice the fire hydrant next to her spot and screamed at me cause I, "stole her spot." FML

by denting-and-venting / 08/10/2016 at 4:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Transportation

Today, I had severe constipation. I went to get some more laxatives when I felt something fall onto the top of my head. I reached up to see what it was and it turned out to be quite a large spider. Guess who isn't constipated anymore. FML

by NotAGoodDay / 08/10/2016 at 2:57pm / United Kingdom (Suffolk) / Health

Today, I had a first date. We really hit it off and wound up watching movies together and talking late into the night. I ignored a developing migraine all night, then tried to leave hurriedly when it got bad. He stalled me leaving by asking what's wrong. I started vomiting. FML

by avaiia / 08/09/2016 at 4:32pm / United States (Illinois) / Love