Today, I found out that even though I suffer from insomnia most days, I can sleep within 5 minutes of studying Solid Mechanics, especially when I have an end term the next day. FML

by EaglEye / 11/02/2016 at 4:29am / Miscellaneous

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

by tallesttree54 / 11/10/2016 at 7:38pm / Love

Baustigt's comment : You fell for the oldest trick in the book, OP. That wasn't an engagement ring. That was an enslavement ring.

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Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

by fyreangel / 11/10/2016 at 4:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

by Nightshade823 / 11/10/2016 at 2:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Joshwarrior's comment : Look at the bright side you didn't pre ejaculate. If you tell the story right you'll be a legend to your friends lol

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Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

by negativesoup / 11/10/2016 at 1:44pm / Work

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

by kill the audience / 11/10/2016 at 12:51pm / United States (Delaware) / Love

ThatTallChick508's comment : So... did you guys get dinner or no?

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Today, I was subpoenaed on behalf of my mother-in-law. My husband said if I didn't defend her and consequently lie under oath, our marriage is over. She said, "I can get rid of two problems in one day!" FML

by anonymous / 11/10/2016 at 9:29am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

by Sunshine56 / 11/09/2016 at 10:11pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

by catbum / 11/09/2016 at 10:54pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Animals

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

by needagoodlaugh / 11/09/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

by anon / 11/09/2016 at 3:54pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

by winks / 11/09/2016 at 2:06pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

by Dirtbikesnowboard / 11/09/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Utah) / Animals