Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2016 at 11:31am / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Love

clickme's comment : WTF kind of 'best friend' is she?

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Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2016 at 8:50am / Work

Today, things were getting steamy with my boyfriend. For once, I tried to be more vocal to turn him on. After five minutes, he says, "Could you stop making animal noises, I feel like I’m fucking in a farmyard." FML

by animal45 / 11/06/2010 at 9:32pm / China (Beijing)

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

by ozzy / 11/06/2016 at 4:18am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

by scooterbyrd / 11/06/2016 at 1:08am / Miscellaneous

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

by isabellam0426 / 11/01/2016 at 10:55pm / Work

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

by Sorry Not Sorry / 11/01/2016 at 10:01am / Work

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

by 2in longer / 11/01/2016 at 8:57am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Welshite's comment : OP: "Oh my manhood! My womb raider! My baby-maker custard launcher!" Girlfriend: "It's a penis."

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Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

by fukinnature / 11/01/2016 at 3:27am / Miscellaneous

Today, after having surgery and told not to have sex for two weeks, I've been begging my boyfriend to allow me to give him a blowjob, trying to be nice. He doesn't want to because he can't reciprocate. Not only has not having sex drove me insane, so is not being able to touch my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2016 at 2:25am / United States / Intimacy

loxe's comment : FYL, indeed. Having such a caring boyfriend must be awful. Next he'll want to make you dinner or something; break up with him before it happens!

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Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

by umm...no / 10/31/2016 at 10:33am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I should probably throw out my old, torn dress as my boob popped out to say hello to a passing car. FML

by Boobs McGee / 10/30/2016 at 10:48pm / Transportation

Today, my sister made a comment about my small boobs. I told her I'm actually a C cup, and she told me she "can't even C them". I just got roasted with a fucking pun. FML

by Myorafield / 10/26/2016 at 2:42am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous