Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML
by Anonymous / 08/02/2016 at 10:42am / Germany (Berlin) / Miscellaneous
Today, I started my first day at a job. First thing my manager does is ask me if I knew the fastest way to kill someone there, then told me with a straight face all of what would occur when dumping a person's head into the deep fryer. Then the psycho assigned me to the fry station. FML
by TheVagabond_SRG / 08/02/2016 at 2:46am / United States (Texas) / Work
Tripartita's comment : Due to some clerical error, the world's top assassin was assigned to manage a fast food joint. Meanwhile, in a blacklisted government facility, the person who would've been your manager is faking their way through interrogating a detained criminal. "Don't make me get the hairnet out, you scum! When I'm done with you, there won't be a meal happy enough to console you!"
by so embarrassing / 08/02/2016 at 2:27am / United States (Washington) / Transportation
Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML
by what sex life? / 08/02/2016 at 2:26am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Tripartita's comment : "HAHAHA! Oh, shiii—" *slips* "Honey, quick, grab on to my toenail!" "Sounds logical to me. Here I goooo!"
by meltingturtle / 08/01/2016 at 11:25pm / Love
kusje's comment : Hey, at least you have a lot in common with each other!
Today, while at work as a cashier, one lady's total was $1.32. She handed me the dollar, and then apologized. When I looked at her, confused as to what she was sorry about, she went wrist deep into her bra, grabbed some change, and quickly put it into my hand. It was wet and it smelt. FML
by CliffyB03 / 08/01/2016 at 5:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, my mom told me that she wanted the whole family to move to Guatemala. I told her, as nice and calmly as I could, that this was an awful idea. She is now furious with me because I don't want to move to Guatemala. FML
by holluphollup / 08/01/2016 at 2:01pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML
by reallydevonte / 08/01/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Tennessee) / Kids
Today, I walked up to my sister's car to give her some money I owed her. She refused to open the window and take back the money. After begging her to open the window, a passer-by mistook me for a beggar and gave me some loose change. FML
by Marmarfarfar / 08/01/2016 at 1:23pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money