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Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

#21399867
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32597) - you deserved it (4677)

On 04/26/2015 at 6:05am - health - by Anonymous (man) - South Africa (Gauteng)

MrsHaxxo's comment : At least he is trying to protect his family.

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Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

#21399850
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32361) - you deserved it (3077)

On 04/26/2015 at 4:19am - love - by fuck you (woman) - United Kingdom (Sheffield)

nonsensical's comment : "Not if I eat them first!!" Yeah, no, that'd be weird nevermind.

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Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

#21399833
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31837) - you deserved it (2478)

On 04/26/2015 at 3:09am - love - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

kmac412's comment : Please tell me she atleast pays the phone bill

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Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

#21399752
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29811) - you deserved it (8836)

On 04/26/2015 at 12:05am - intimacy - by montanadinosaur (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

#21399622
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29082) - you deserved it (2291)

On 04/25/2015 at 6:46pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I was bitten by a therapy dog. FML

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

#21399557
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38649) - you deserved it (2784)

On 04/25/2015 at 4:05pm - love - by RBergman - United States (Wyoming)

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

#21399506
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28776) - you deserved it (2362)

On 04/25/2015 at 1:55pm - love - by wil - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

#21399489
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33793) - you deserved it (5235)

On 04/25/2015 at 1:32pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

#21399405
41 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27154) - you deserved it (2679)

On 04/25/2015 at 8:58am - work - by Anonymous (man) - India (Maharashtra)

Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML

#21399378
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31099) - you deserved it (2491)

On 04/25/2015 at 6:34am - love - by a critically injured shitehawk (man) - United Kingdom (York)

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML

#21399347
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34425) - you deserved it (1964)

On 04/25/2015 at 3:57am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Montana)

Today, I found out the name on my driver's license is incorrect. I don't know what's worse: the fact the government can't even copy a goddamn name correctly, or that it took me three months to notice, when a cop nearly arrested me for carrying a "fake" license. FML

#21399342
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28622) - you deserved it (4451)

On 04/25/2015 at 3:30am - misc - by Anonymous - Canada (British Columbia)



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