Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

by Dirtbikesnowboard / 11/09/2016 at 2:00pm / United States (Utah) / Animals

Today, I've actually developed a crush on a guy I never intended to crush on, and also can't have. For one he's married and utterly devoted to his wife. And even if that weren't true, he's so far out of my league I need binoculars to see him. And to top it all of? He's fictional. FML

by HereForJAMMF / 11/09/2016 at 12:50pm / Love

goodread2200's comment : If he's fictional and you are fantasising about him then his wife won't mind.

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Today, I found myself completely naked, tied to a chair with a slice of ham on each breast. Note to self: never again let my boyfriend make one of his fantasies come true. FML

by Paté / 01/04/2010 at 11:52pm / Ukraine

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

by anonymous / 11/02/2016 at 12:18am / Work

JACKxRAWR's comment about their FML

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

by JACKxRAWR / 05/18/2013 at 5:41am / United Kingdom

JACKxRAWR

OP here. The bastard didn't even knock and left the package in a post office the other side of town, even though I live five minutes from a sorting of...
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Today, I mockingly made "President Trump" jokes all day to my friends, knowing Clinton was bound to win the election. FML

by toametru1 / 11/09/2016 at 2:08am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my group is so lazy and unwilling to do work for our debate project that my competition is offering to help me out. FML

by AnAngryyGiraffe / 11/02/2016 at 3:56pm / United States (California) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my country elected a man who thinks global warming is a hoax. FML

by mycountryisdumb / 11/09/2016 at 1:54am / United States (Alaska) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. The only time people have contacted me is to ask who I voted for. FML

by birthday blues / 11/08/2016 at 2:15pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I hit the gym. With my car. FML

by SnapeIsGood / 11/08/2016 at 4:44am / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Health

Tripartita's comment : And now I'm imagining somebody slowly pulling into a parking spot, feeling a dull thud as their car comes to an unexpected stop, and thinking: "Oh, fuck, I just hit the gym! My car—wait, 'hit the gym'?! Haha, I hit the gym… with my car! This is gold! What's the name of that app again? Fuck My Day?"

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Today, I found a pad in my son’s underwear. FML

by Anonyme / 10/22/2013 at 3:13am / France (Haute-Normandie)

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

by Beard / 11/08/2016 at 6:14am / Work

Today, while reading the newspaper, I noticed that an ad had been placed for my job. I asked my boss for a week off so that I could fly home for my father's funeral. No wonder she was so cool with it. FML

by Mitch / 11/07/2016 at 11:50pm / Work