Today, like any other day I moan after I sneeze. The only issue is that today my husband was on the phone with his grandmother, and had to explain to her, while trying not to laugh, that he wasn't having sex with me while on the phone. FML

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

by jameen / 05/07/2016 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (West Berkshire) / Intimacy

Ben_Dover831's comment : Tbh some people are just stupid af they sue for the dumbest shit ever. I remember a while ago a burglar broke in a house, got attacked by the owners dog, sued because the owner didn't have a beware of dog sign, and won the case like wtf is up with all this bullshit.

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Today, I couldn't get into my car. I got mad at the lock, and my key broken inside it. It wasn't my car. FML

by Smile / 03/03/2008 at 12:04am

2016/05/08
Twitter

Par FallonTonight

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

by 3,500 down / 05/07/2016 at 4:00am / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

justcommenting19's comment : No taxis, or other methods of transport? I seriously think you should've had a back up since we all know how unreliable buses can be sometimes... Really sorry OP.

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Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

by Anonymous / 05/07/2016 at 1:49am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Nati9876's comment : Everything was fine until he asked about foster care. Some people just don't like/ want children.

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Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

by kill me / 05/06/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2016 at 9:40pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I dived into the pool without checking, even though I knew that Sponge Bob had been in for a swim before me. FML

On 04/24/2016 at 11:18pm
© istock/ciud

Today, a girl stole my heart. She also stole my wallet, phone, and keys. FML

by TriangularBanana / 05/06/2016 at 5:45pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, working as a veterinarian, I received a complaint from a client. He said I sucked at my job, purely because I implied he should have brought his severely ill cat in a lot sooner. Which he should have. FML

by lucywatson / 05/06/2016 at 3:06pm / United Kingdom / Work

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

by Anonymous / 05/06/2016 at 12:55pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

by dempasi / 05/06/2016 at 2:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous