Today, I logged onto a website that offered free tutoring. After chatting with the online tutor, he started flirting with me. I was just looking for some help with my homework, not a creeper. FML

by Chasity / 02/07/2011 at 12:26am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

by cllutz / 02/06/2011 at 10:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

by LimpMcgee / 02/06/2011 at 9:36pm / United States (Maryland) / Health

boysinabooth's comment : That's happened to me before. Right after I got out of the hospital from surgery I had to wait after some fat ass who needed a motorized cart. People like that seriously don't give a shit. They looked at me and saw that I was probably more able to walk because I didn't have 300lbs hanging over my body.

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Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

by bymyself / 02/06/2011 at 9:05pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

by dumbass / 02/06/2011 at 7:58pm / Love

Today, I found out that my mom screams like a dying monkey while having sex. Even with my music turned up all the way, I can still hear her through our paper thin walls. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 2:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

by poop / 02/06/2011 at 1:26pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, while waiting on a customer at a restaurant, I accidentally asked a midget if she'd like a children's menu. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 12:53pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

by 7rafe7 / 02/06/2011 at 2:37am / United States / Money

Today, I was hanging out with my two friends. My hair was hanging over my upper lip, making it look like I had a big mustache. "Hey, look guys!" I said. "I have a mustache!" "I know," they both said without looking. I'm a girl. FML

by xxxchelsiexxx / 02/06/2011 at 1:02am / United States / Health

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year old son comes in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 12:10am / United States / Intimacy

Warlemming's comment : Am I the only one who thinks it's adorable that he wanted to protect his mom.

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Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

by UghCats / 02/05/2011 at 8:58pm / United States (Wyoming) / Animals

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

by Username / 02/05/2011 at 7:10pm / United States / Intimacy