Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

by Xanadu / 04/16/2011 at 3:04am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

by uncool / 04/16/2011 at 2:11am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

by Username / 04/16/2011 at 1:14am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

by :| / 04/15/2011 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

by ForeverAlone / 04/15/2011 at 8:52pm / United Kingdom (Staffordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

by asdfjkl / 04/15/2011 at 3:51pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

by madi / 04/15/2011 at 3:13pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

by levi Glasscock / 04/15/2011 at 9:52am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

by Tjop / 04/15/2011 at 7:50am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

by spiderwoman / 04/15/2011 at 7:47am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Animals

Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML

by ZaraAce / 04/15/2011 at 7:38am / United Kingdom (Bedfordshire) / Love

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

by fatty:( / 04/15/2011 at 5:30am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/15/2011 at 2:57am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous