alyssa41192

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, I threw a surprise birthday party for my 3 year old. There was music, snacks and lots of toys. My 3 year old is a cat. FML

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

Prepper

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

Fresh and not Fit

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

Today, my dad taped a picture of me to the fridge with "Do not feed the she-beast" written on it. FML

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

How could you?

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

Gross, so gross

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML