Today, my mom was freaking out about me handling a CD-ROM with my bare hands. When I asked her what all the commotion was about, she said she was worried that I would catch "one of those computer viruses" she'd heard about on the news. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML
Today, my girlfriend openly mocked me, calling me an idiot for thinking seahorses are real. She insists that they're like unicorns, and only exist in fiction. FML
Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML
Today, even though she can barely deal with raising kids, my 19-year-old sister announced her fourth pregnancy, by a fourth man, of yet another race. Why? Because she wants to "be like Angelina Jolie." I fear that social services may laugh at me if I tell them. FML
Today, I got pulled over. When the cop asked where I was coming from, reflexively I said, "Your mom's house." FML
Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML
Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML
Today, at work, I decided to make things more interesting, so when I called people I used a fake accent. As I was using an Australian accent, the person I was talking to asked me where in Australia I was from. I desperately replied, "Where the kangaroos are..." I'm now jobless. FML
Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML
Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML
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