Aujourd'hui, dernier jour des vacances. Ma fille a accidentellement effacé toutes les photos de l'appareil. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'annonce officiellement à mes parents que je suis enceinte. Leur réaction ? "Ah merde, un cadeau de plus à acheter tous les ans." VDM
Aujourd'hui, en civil dans une rame de métro bondée, j'ai immobilisé un homme qui a agressé sexuellement une femme. Sauf que c'était un scénario sexuel. Ils adorent jouer au violeur et à la victime et mettre mal à l'aise les usagers. VDM.
Aujourd'hui, le jour J est enfin arrivé : la pose de mon escalier sur mesure commandé avant le COVID. Je me souviens encore des mots du vendeur : "Nous faisons des escaliers sur mesure, 1 centimètre d'erreur, c'est énorme." Le poseur est arrivé, le vendeur s'est trompé de 20 centimètres sur les mesures. VDM
Aujourd'hui, travaillant dans une gare, je demande à une dame de mettre un masque car c'est obligatoire. Elle me dit qu'elle n'en a pas. Je lui explique que je vais devoir la raccompagner à la sortie de la gare. Elle soupire, ouvre son sac à main, en sort un masque, et continue son chemin. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis tombé amoureux de ma meilleure amie. Ne partageant pas mes sentiments, elle a décidé, pour ne pas gâcher notre belle amitié, de ne plus être ami avec moi du tout. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai appris que ma femme a de nombreux fantasmes. Cool, vous me direz. Sauf qu'ils sont tous à réaliser sans moi. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis contente car mon fils de 2 ans dort bien, donc je vais pouvoir me reposer. C'était sans compter sur son père qui m’a réveillée toute la nuit car il cauchemardait que le petit se réveillait. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et dès que nous allons au restaurant, mon copain s'amuse à dire : "Bon écoute, t'es bien sympa, mais t'es pas comme sur ta photo de profil, ce rencard va se terminer maintenant." Bien fort, histoire que tout le monde entende. VDM
Aujourd’hui, sur la plage, j’utilise une technique contre les pickpockets en mettant mon portefeuille dans une couche de bébé, donnant l’illusion d’une couche usagée pour pouvoir me baigner. C’était sans compter la brigade de Scouts en mission nettoyage sur la plage ce jour là. VDM
Aujourd’hui, sur le quai du RER bondé, un homme est passé au milieu de la foule à une allure rapide, tout en éternuant plusieurs fois, pour ensuite remettre son masque. VDM
Aujourd'hui, premier rencard après ma séparation. En demandant conseil a mon ex, elle m'a répondu : "Ne sois pas toi-même". Ah. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon copain m'a demandé l'autorisation de péter à côté de moi plus souvent qu'il ne le fait déjà. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mes vacances en Italie viennent d'être annulées à cause du coronavirus. Depuis, mon collègue n'arrête pas de me chanter tout son répertoire en italien. De Zucchero à Eros Ramazotti, tout y passe. Il ne sait pas chanter, et il me reste 6 jours avant les congés. Ça va être long. VDM
Aujourd'hui, pour m'aider après mon accouchement, ma belle-mère me prépare le repas. Salades de pâtes aux oeufs dur. J'y suis intolérante et elle le sait. VDM
Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML
Today, I went over to confront my parents about how my siblings always get to visit and all I do when I’m over is work on their house or take care of grandma. My mom was very upset. Then she snuck out with my sister, leaving me to take care of grandma until she got back. FML
Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML
Today, my boyfriend, who I have been seeing for a year, decided to tell me that he has herpes and has not taken any precautions to stop it from passing on. We have had unprotected sex quite a lot over the last year, so now I most likely have herpes too. FML
Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML
Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML
Today, just like at every gynecologist's appointment in the last 5 years, I had to yet again explain that no, I'm not a virgin at 27 because I'm waiting till marriage, I'm just a loser that no-one wants to sleep with. FML
Today, my long distance boyfriend sent me a Snap of him fucking another girl. When he realized he'd sent it to me, he called me, trying to explain, "it's not what it looks like. It was meant for the boys." Two days ago, I made plans to visit him. Guess who's out money and single. FML
Today, I was in an Uber with a friend I hadn't seen in 7 years. I was just catching her up on my daily life when my Uber driver decided to chime into our conversation and kindly inform me that: "[I] should be a stand-up comedian." He literally thought my life was a joke. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML
Today, I found out that my "Dad", the man who couldn't afford to buy me a bed, despite sleeping on the floor for 3+ years, has spent well over $3000 on sex chat lines, as well as cheating us out of child payments. He doesn't understand why I refuse to talk to him. FML
Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML
Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML
Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML
Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML
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