Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML
Today, my daughter asked me how to spell "Orange". "O-R-A-N-G-E," I replied. Without missing a beat, she says, "No, I mean the colour, not the fruit." She's 16. FML
Today, the first snow of the season fell. My husband celebrated by pelting me with snowballs, while I was on the toilet. FML
Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML
Today, while working at my local supermarket, a customer threw a turkey at me because we "should have bigger ones." FML
Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML
Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML
Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML
Today, a private number called me telling me to "Beware the water bottles" as soon as a water bottle flew through my open window, hitting me. FML
Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML
Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML
Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML
Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML
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