chiii , Unite stards
Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML
Today, I was walking on a busy street. I saw this beautiful blonde walking across the street and a car was coming. I wanted to be like in the movies where the guy pushes the girl out of the way so she doesn't get hit. I accidentally pushed her the wrong way. Right into the car. FML
Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML
Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML
Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML
Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML
Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all that, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML
Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML
Today, my boyfriend of six months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He went quiet, and I heard barking in the background. FML
Today, I pulled out three chips from a bag. There were two round ones, and a skinny one, making it look like a penis. I laughed. I'm 33. FML
Today, I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over... and turned his PS3 on. FML
Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML
Today, I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were three girls loudly discussing blowjob techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was, "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML
Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML
Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML
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