Malibu87

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

Today, my sister is dressing up as a nerd for Halloween. She's using my clothes for the costume. FML

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

Today, my buddy told me he was going to get an HIV test at the health department. Without thinking, I told him to "think positive". FML

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

Today, my uncle gave me a lecture on how I eat too much "unhealthy" junk food, and that it can be very harmful for me. All the while smoking a cigarette. FML