BenjaminHeels

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML