joshdudeha

Today, my four year-old told my mother-in-law that our house is haunted because she hears a ghost at night saying "Oh" and daddy's name as if they're hurt. FML

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching TV and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML