Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML
Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML
Today, I went to a big family dinner. At one point, my cousin ran up to me, sobbing hysterically, holding his crotch, and making a huge scene. Turns out that while taking a piss, he "accidentally" swatted his willy with an electric bug zapper. I can't believe I'm related to this little shit. FML
Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML
Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cotton swab shoved up my cock's piss-pipe. FML
Today, at school, a guy walked up to me and said I look a little too young to be at high school. I told him that I'm sixteen years old. He stared at my chest for several long seconds, muttered "What the fuck?" and walked off. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except that when he did, he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML
Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML
Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML
Today, I asked a girl out. She replied, "Sorry, I'm suddenly a lesbian." FML
Today, while at my job as a hairdresser, I was giving an elderly client a perm and I thought she'd fallen asleep. She'd died. FML
Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML
Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML
Today, my 14-year-old step-daughter announced that she is 4 months pregnant. The father is my 15-year-old son. FML
Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML
Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML
Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML
Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML
Today, my wife wants to name our first child Siri, after the iPhone function. FML
Today, my daughter finally gave birth to twin boys. She informed me that she named them Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck. My grandsons are named after Hobbits. FML
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