Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML
Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
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Top comments
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
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Comments (209)
BillyMadisonFTW 5
Did it scare the shit out of him?
charlotte69er 7
"I'm pretty sure that's what the FML said" -#30
KBeatz 5
Yea it probably did. **** your husband's life OP, that roach just interrupted the sanctity of a peaceful shit. One of the worst things that can happen to a man.
MCRaddict15 15
I can't believe that was actually funny. Usually those puns make me roll my eyes.
winnerme123 8
Why wouldn't you be? One day they will rule the world. Mwa-hahahahahaha
ablueshka 0
Totally off topic but ....... Who likes ****???
adamo_erebus 26
I'd do the exact same thing. Cockroaches are ******* scary.
hwkfan1 10
So he's a screamer? :)
ulis_fml 6
This Fml makes me think of the song "he can't even bait a hook"
YessyxD 8
I LOVE how OP said "disposed of the body"!!!! Lol
Tophatz98 5
At least you didnt have to wipe his ass :)
154rct 7
They're in a really shitty situation *rimshot*
yoyoforpeace 14
I would say bomb the house but roaches survive nuclear attacks -__-
Drigr 9
I read this FML 4 times now, so I will stick with my initial comment of, "what the... ****...?
gribbles 12
At first read, I read, "I found my husband with his penis around his ankles" and pictured a case of manscaping gone wrong.
botanistjessica 24
I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who thought it said penis.
mars13_fml 8
Omg that is what I thought to. We now know who the man in the relationship is though
Webslinger66 10
For better or for worse
Docbee 11
Got to get a restraining order on that pest, it needs to learn to respect your privacy
miniluda12 12
So she killed her husband & helped the cockroach wipe his ass?
zandalee 20
4- Here in Australia the cockroaches can be bigger than six inches long. Locals keep them as pets, have cockroach races and other entertaining events with them. *Shudder*.
uhwhiteguy 0
Duh, what else do u think happened
Jessicalmorann 0
Hell yeah
hiphopchick7 1
82- I REALLY hope u were being sarcastic
MassiveBerry 9
I read the first bit and expected him to be dead in the shower.
ripresno 10
Simply finding a dead body is nowhere near worthy to be on FML but when a grown man is found screaming like a little girl due to the presence of a cockroach that is worthy.
cjrand 7
I feel like there should have been some warning signs prior to this event that your husband is a complete puss... YDI
Lizza330 28
Why can't guys be scared of bugs?
TinyEMT 6
This doesn't make him a "puss" at all. Guys have their phobias just like girls do. My boyfriend's afraid of heights and that doesn't make me see him any differently.
AbbyAbyss 5
So does it make me a puss that I have a fear of all bugs? I'm sure you are just an inconsiderate little prick who thinks you're all that in a bag of potato chips.
Shadow_Blues 10
"I'll take a potato chip... AND EAT IT!" ...sorry, couldn't resist. x3
1crabbygirl 10
I wonder if ball size is actually getting smaller as men become terrified of crawly things and listen to Bon Iver. Bitches, please.
justmethough 8
I understand a normal bug phobia. Lot's of people are afraid of bugs. But I think the fact that op had to stay afterwards while her husband wiped his ass, is a bit much.
PhishloverA 14
Just because a guy has a phobia doesn't mean he's a puss
ACE1442 16
Da ****?
SephoraGypsy 15
*dafuq? Even then it is pathetic.
FlyingPie 17
As if "Da ****" is so wrong that it needs to be corrected to "dafuq"? "Dafuq" looks fairly stupid, IMO.
beef25967 2
Well I guess you married a girl.
Nyx7 24
Don't lump him in with us, we can handle shit better than that
HerWrongHole247 18
that's racist
AbbyAbyss 5
Come on, cockroaches are ******* scary. But thats probably just my irrational fear of all bugs speaking.
hockeyoceancity 13
If you have ever watched the movie "Borat" you will understand why they are so scarey...
nachiketin 11
Not only cockroaches, but the entire insect kingdom!
AbbyAbyss 5
38- I haven't yet, but we own it so I'm going to watch it tonight. :)
hockeyoceancity 13
80- Haha good luck! It's such a funny movie! Do not. DO NOT watch "Bruno" i was scarred for life... But let me know how you like it!
AbbyAbyss 5
140- Haha! I'll take the advice buddy.
Kiki242 19
So I'm guessing you wear the pants in the relationship. I'm a girl and I hate roaches but never needed comfort when seeing one. Imagine if it touched him.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I don't know if it's right to criticize his fear, Kiki, those cockroaches are pretty scary. :/
eggmarie 25
Ever heard of this thing called a "phobia"?
Inediblepeaches 15
My 5 year old sister would be tougher than that. No, really. She would finish what she was doing and leave the room. Tell him to man up.
Dixbfloppin 11
Or he might have a fear of bugs. Or the cockroach was carrying a knife. There are those possibilities.
jamalamadingdong 18
"I'm gonna cut you up so bad, you're gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad"
sisterjameela 7
Or a gun. You never know it may be a rough neighborhood and the roach was a rapist.