Khariau

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

Today, while riding my bike on the sidewalk, I came across a ladder. To avoid bad luck, I swerved around it into the street. I got hit by a car. FML

Freaked out

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

Today, it finally clicked in my mind how desperately lonely I am, when I shaved one of my legs just to find out what a woman's leg feels like. FML

Today, I was so bored that I actually read the iTunes store's terms and conditions. FML

Today, my house got broken into. They just made a mess. I saw a note on the kitchen table that read, "There's nothing good here. You have shitty stuff." FML

Today, as I was riding my bike, my foot slipped and I did a slow speed-tumble over the top, ripping my balls wide open. Number of stitches: too many to count. Size of balls: softball. Color: blue. FML

Feet issues

Today, I had to shave my feet in order to wear ballet flats. I'm not a hobbit. FML

Today, I have a heart condition that causes migraines and fainting, so I take salt tablets to stop the fainting. The migraines can lead to a stroke, so I have medication for them. The medication has a side effect: fainting. And to avoid migraines, I should avoid salt. FML

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

Today, my grandparents took me out for dinner for my birthday. After singing, "Happy birthday dear…" they froze. I had to say my own name because they'd forgotten it. FML

Geography major

Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML

Today, I discovered a large and somewhat disturbing whitehead inside my ear crevice. Apparently it's been there for a while, because everyone at work has nicknamed it Hugo. FML

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

You tried

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

Today, I received a compliment for the first time from a girl. She told me she admires my courage to go out in public since most ugly people don't like to. FML

Today, I injured myself in the geekiest way possible; I managed to crush my nipple while closing my laptop. FML

Keeping score

Today, I found out why my teenage daughter won't brush her teeth properly. Apparently, my son convinced her that toothpaste has tons of calories. FML

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

Today, someone stole the massive pumpkin I've been painstakingly growing all year. What did they do with it? They put it in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

Bad women's anatomy

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

You ain't heard anything, right?

Today, my boyfriend and I made love for the first time. Before we left his house so he could walk me home, I fixed my hair by the hall mirror and joked about having serious sex hair. My boyfriend quickly reminded me that his incredibly religious mother was in the next room. FML

Communication tool

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML