Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML
Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML
Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML
Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML
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Top comments
DKjazz 20
Hold on, let me go Google "Italian Chandelier".
lex1459 38
I hope you get better soon!
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Comments (216)
testestestes123 4
I've heard of blue balls but blue dick? Well now you have an otter pop
capper44 18
No doubt, but how could a person can break their dick lol unless there was a sharp turn inside of her ;) haha
EMTchic 14
Once that happened to my ex, we were going doggie and he missed (he has always had bad aim) . There was this really loud cracking noise and then he was in so much pain that he couldn't even move
zakkyzebra 11
Don't worry guys, I googled it so I didn't look ignorant asking, "what the **** is an Italian chandelier?"
Khariau 8
Spoted dick ? :D
lelo007 11
I've heard of men breaking their penises before. I think it happens when they "miss" and their penis hits a surface hard enough to cause an extreme bend, and the blood vessels are busted. Since the penis doesn't have an actual bone in it, it doesn't "break," but from what I've read, it still hurts like a S.O.B.
lelo007 11
Well, I lied.. It is caused by the tissue ripping!
Inheritance 10
Blue dick must be close to blue waffle now
ConBroChilll 9
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
42- how long did you have your ex? you realize that you 16 and a minor. i hope that you were not that desperate at 13 or any age that you couldve possibly been to have sex. you realize its illegal to have sex under the age of 18..
ebonyirony 29
86- the age of consent varies. It's 16 where I live. And who cares if they have sex?
tp50141 10
86-Do you also realize that in a lot of places having sex before you're married is also considered illegal? If I were you I wouldn't go enforcing the laws about sex.
lex1459 38
I hope you get better soon!
Sandsh8rk 36
Your dick is just muscle. How is it possible to break it?
Xythenol 6
Maybe it's permanently bent in one direction? Hell, what do I know? I'm not a dick expert.
SkoomaKi 28
#13 - It doesn't break, it is in the form of a bending injury. When the tunica albuginea tears from too much bending (spongy tissue in the penis that fills up with blood during an erection), the blood that is normally confined to this place leaks out into other tissues which is why you get bruising and swelling.
momogal 22
13, penile "fracture" is a very serious injury. It may require surgery to fix. If it isn't fixed, impotence will be the least of the OP's problems.
NOOBSQUAD 0
I read about a guy, it was his first time and the girl he was doing it with thrust hard one way and he thrust hard the other, the injury was so severe he has to use this little pump in his balls (yes he squeezes his nut) to get it erect, all true but i don't remember what it was called that happened.
DocBastard 40
Sandsh8rk - I'm not sure where you get your information, and I'm even less sure why anyone would thumb you up for a complete fabrication. The penis is NOT muscle. At all. It's a series of chambers that fill up with blood.
lelo007 11
I've always heard it was broken because the veins burst, and that's what caused the bruising. I could be absolutely wrong, I guess I'll go use Google now.
lelo007 11
Well, I learned something new today, so disregard my last comment. #24, you are spot on!
momolee 4
Maybe he will have smurfs babies
PandaKitteh 20
Am I the only one thinking, "BROKE DICK! BROKE DICK! BROKE DICK!"?
HeartOfLead 24
@ 18, You mean like the band one erection? But but unfortunately OP and the band can no longer relate.
waz433 0
You can't fix breaking your dick. The pain can go away but it will never look right again.
BunnySlippers 6
Ouch! I'm sorry OP, I can't imagine the pain you went through.
eriksen 16
I can imagine it...
OhDearBetrayal 25
12- If I had a dick, I have a feeling that your comment and your picture would have shriveled it up forever out of fear.
MsCowsiecow 6
#21 well, you're an asshole.
OhDearBetrayal 25
45- Excuse me? I was commenting on how with her comment and picture it looks like she hurt some poor guys junk. No need to be rude, geeze.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
My dick hurts, and I don't even have one.
aron666 25
I definitely can imagine how you could imagine...
tookie12345 7
But the question is does it blend?
SouthernPride95 19
Obviously
Slender_Man 6
You do not know how hard I'm facepalming right now. That is the oldest joke in the book.
Voldy_fml 16
Your girlfriend has a sense of humor. But Yeah, that's gotta hurt.
scrappy23 4
Thank you captain obvious.
DKjazz 20
Hold on, let me go Google "Italian Chandelier".
roseXthorns 8
I'd go straight to urban dictionary for the most accurate, and probably most detailed, definition.
redbluegreen 41
Think reverse cowgirl meets crabwalk.
testestestes123 4
Did u find a pic of it? I can't find one
peachesncreem 21
I googled it. The first site that came up was ChristianNymphos.org. It's apparently number 33 in their list of sex positions on the site o.O
IAmAGinger 7
...CHRISTIAN Nymphos? What an oxymoron. Also, what the actual heck.
CeeCee_fml 16
I went straight to the handy dandy urban dictionary.
thatfrenchguy 8
I'm going to pornhub that
nhuda 4
Here is the actual definition from urban lol just in case for some people... pushes her back and butt completly off the ground using her arm and legs, kind of like crab-walking or like when you do the bridge in gymnastics. The guy does the same thing, but facing down when they make love. I heard the Italians love it because it burns a lot of calories
faithxoxox 1
Wait...if he's "facing down", he's laying on top of her, right? How does he get hurt? I'm confused lol
RedPillSucks 33
Damn. All I found were pictures of actual Italian chandlers. Oh well. Fap fap fap fap Clap off.
BrianneAlex 10
#52 and #66 Christian Nymphos is a sight about MARRIED sex.If a man and woman are married, the sex can be as often and as dirty as desired. It's not against God. :)
hahasooo 2
Found a picture!.. well sort of..http://www.sexualpositionsfree.com/chanposakait.html. the link!
foncused91 7
so what is it? I still don't know lol
Blackmail111 9
130- Now, I'm Atheist and not sure if I'm exactly spot on when I say this, but isn't adultery a sin unless you're planning on conceiving a child? Wasn't there a story in the bible about god striking a man down because he spilled his seed on the floor instead of in his wife?
chimocho 8
143: I'm not sure what you think adultery means, but it's not another word for sex...
Shrike 24
Actually that story was about the guy not impregnating his dead brother's wife. Gotta love the cherry picking and the fuzzy, feel-good moral lessons in that book, right? But yeah, adultery is when a married person cheats on their wife or husband.
Blackmail111 9
146- Ah. That clears it up.
turkturkington 13
No.
Sandman366 6
66: I would +1 your comment, but I'd ruin the 69...which just seems oh so appropriate.
gingerfly91 1
Except sodomy :(
klx125cross 9
Cool
blue2012 7
I was thinking the same thing lol
gIsaac 0
There is indeed such a story
Bluefrog9636 7
I am speechless.. I didn't even know that was possible..
Dracoboxer357 36
7- It definitely is. My wife was a paramedic when I first met her. Apparently, getting a call for a "broken dick" isn't too uncommon, as their seems to be no limit to what a guy will reckless do with it. All you can do for the twit is give him an ice pack and take him to the hospital, as usually you need surgery to correct that.....or risk never getting an erection again. Your choice. :)
Bluefrog9636 7
Very interesting, thanks!
Dracoboxer357 36
*Face palm* There seems, not Their seems. :p Moron moment, my apologies. And #79, you're welcome. :)
rdrr 2
That's why it's called a BONEr. :)
onlychildFTW 34
Neither did I. Poor OP it must have hurt like hell.
bryan21122112 4
Too bad there isn't any bone in it, just spongy flesh that fills up with blood when excited.
Harpy20 24
If you're trying something that can be found on urban dictionary, ydi.
redbluegreen 41
That doesn't really leave much.
AClassActx3 7
Its not only on urban dictionary.
slurshies 11
going by those rules, you can't even have sex; no matter what position..
SevenMillionTons 4
Or names, those are in it too.
boating_guy 33
I don't think could have anything lol... I mean, I've never looked for something on urban dictionary and not found it
dupot420 9
Damn you look good as hell Happy
Alex_The_Human 2
sex is on urban dictionary, and breathing is on urban dictionary, your logic is flawed.
itsharkley 8
The pain was phellic
testestestes123 4
I'm sorry but your profile pic super duper creeps me out. Kinda gross-ish
Crazberry 5
Seconded...
PeteyPablo12308 20
^^I'm sorry but your profile name super-duper creeps ME out, and yes, I also find it kinda gross-ish. *Meant for "Testestestes..."
testestestes123 4
It's phallic not phellic, and ......huh??
testestestes123 4
Easy there James Holmes
slurshies 11
33- why is it so creepy? testestes123.... as in testing testing testing 123.... you're a bit over-sensitive I think
slurshies 11
33- why do you find the name testestes123 so creepy? it's (I'm pretty sure) just like testing testing testing 123 but shorter... I'm afraid the Internet has ruined your mind.. tis a sad day
slurshies 11
whoops sorry for the double comment :/
Crazberry 5
My older sister knew a guy who did that in college. The poor bastard had to wear a sling for weeks AND avoid getting excited.
DKjazz 20
Sling? Hold on, let me go google "dick sling".
Crazberry 5
Why the thumbs down? :/ The girl was riding the guy too hard and she snapped him. It's not out of the realm of possibility. How do you help heal a broken bone? (no pun intended) You don't use it.