RainXD

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After I said no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

Not a Bio major

Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

Today, my daughter told me that my head is shaped like a kidney bean and that I'm lucky she even talks to me in public. She's 6. FML

As a treat

Today, I stepped in a turd. Not a dog turd, my grandmother's turd. FML

Today, I had the most exciting dream of my life. I was dreaming about catching a shiny charmander. I'm 15, and instead of dreaming of girls, I'm dreaming of Pokémon. FML

Groucho

Today, my boyfriend tried to make me wear a fake mustache during sex. He said it "turns him on." FML

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

Today, I was woken up by my step brother trying to put his tongue in my mouth. FML

Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

Today, my mother started dating a man who insists people call him 'Panda'. FML

Nice!

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

Today, after watching Insidious, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was on the toilet. I was in mid-piss when he jumped out at me, and I ran screaming and peeing down the hall. FML

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

Back on the wagon

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML

Where am I?

Today, I woke up with Skittles superglued to my forehead. FML

Great conversation starter

Today, a guy tried to seduce me by talking about incest. FML

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for breathing too much. FML

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

Today, my dog was scooped up by an owl. FML

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML