San Francisco, United States
Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate, "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML
Today, I called my phone company to get some answers about my phone bill. I was okay with being put on hold. In fact, I was on hold for so long, that the music stopped playing. When someone finally answered they told me to call back tomorrow. All my phones disconnected an hour later. FML
Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML
Today, my dad came home from work complaining about all the people he'd seen. He said he doesn't understand why so many people with problems have to confide in him. He's a psychologist. FML
Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML
Today, I was robbed by a guy wearing a ninja turtle costume. FML
Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML
Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML
Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML
Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML
Today, my mother told me I'm going to get lung cancer. Because she smokes. FML
Today, after applying sunscreen to myself every two hours, I still got sunburned. Through my clothes. FML
Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML
Today, my mom scolded me for not taking driving lessons already. This comes a few days after she told me that, "Allowing teenagers to drive is just another way of thinning out the gene pool". FML
Today, I went out for coffee with my sister and my crush. I spent the majority of the date flirting with my crush, and when he dropped us off at home, I told him I had fun on our date. He looked at me surprised and said he'd thought I'd tagged along on his date with my sister. FML
Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML
Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML
Today, my 4 year-old daughter's favorite expression became "shit balls." FML
Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML
Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML
Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML
Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML
Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML
Today, my mom decided to give me a bloodcurdlingly graphic sex talk. On a plane. I'm 23. FML
Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But… Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML
Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. Now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML
Today, a customer threw his cup of coffee at me screaming that it wasn't hot enough. Well, maybe it wasn't hot enough for him, but it was sure hot enough to burn me. FML
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