xxreemey

Safe travels, Grandma

Today, I had been planning a family trip for months. My father had all his bags packed, ready to go in the car. He had my grandmother's ashes in his suitcase, and planned to spread them on a mountain. This morning our car was broken into and everything was stolen. The thief stole my grandma. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

Today, I got concussion after a goat ran in front of me while I was jogging. FML

Party animal

Today, I was stuck crouching over the toilet after a night of drinking. My fiancé walked in, gathered my hair, and held it out of the way. When another wave of nausea hit me and I leaned in, he shoved my face into the bowl and ran out, laughing and yelling, "That'll teach ya!" FML

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when someone slapped an innocent person in the face with a fish. I was that innocent person. FML

High times

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

Today, I was given a bottle of vitamins that are supposed to help your memory. I forgot them at home. FML

Today, I watched as my step-dad put locks on my window, because he's convinced that I've been sneaking out at night. All my mom did was casually remark that I'm fucked if there's ever a fire. FML

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with, "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

Assumptions

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills. She said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

Today, I realized that our generation will be remembered as the kids who liked sparkly vampires. FML

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

Take a chill pill

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

Crotch shot

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML