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The all-time greatest FMLs

Monster!

By lu… - 08/12/2020 17:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 92

Delusional

By done - 11/07/2023 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, and for the second month in a row, my dad sent our rent money to some chick he’s been talking to, who promised 3 million if he sent dollars for bitcoin. We’re going to get evicted, and I have nowhere else to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 103

Hangry

By Anonymous - 28/02/2022 18:00

Today, I know my son is a blockhead so I left him very specific instructions on how to put the pre-prepared ingredients in the slow cooker, set to high, and cook for 4 hours. He did all that, except the instructions didn’t tell him to press the START button. So he didn’t and our dinner is still raw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 345

Playing favorites

By Anonymous - 18/02/2022 04:00

Today, I heard my daughter-in-law refer to her twin daughters, my precious twin grandbabies, as “the good one” and “the shit stain”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 193

Time out

By Somebody kill me! - 02/05/2021 00:30

Today, after a year and a half of overexploitation at work without getting paid for it, I can finally have a deserved vacation. Why? I caught Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 154

Dared

By Anonymous - 27/09/2019 02:01

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 1 217

Not an Addams Family person

By Anonymous - 03/01/2023 09:00

Today, my girlfriend spend all day pouting that I wouldn't watch 'Wednesday' with her, despite my giving the pilot a chance and hating it. Yet when I choose a show, I usually get five seconds before, "What is this? I don't like it! Turn it off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 254

Great first impression

By FirstImpressionist - 11/05/2022 14:00

Today, at work, where I am the boss’s son, I introduced myself to the new guy and starting working on a project. Not five minutes into it, I apparently had a seizure, passed out, smashed my face on the work table, and regained consciousness in a state of confusion with EMTs surrounding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 146

Eyebleach

By Lexxxiii - 22/12/2020 23:02

Today, while delivering an Amazon package, I arrived to this one house where the man was outside, so I just handed it to him. As he was reaching for it, his robe popped open. Twice. He was wearing nothing but the robe, and he was your typical fat, hairy, 40-year-old man. My poor eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 159

Where d'you come from?

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 06:01 - United States - Austin

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 145

Rebellion

By Anonymous - 18/12/2021 10:59 - Panama - Cuba

Today, my sister and I are never allowed to go out, and by out I mean even open the front door. Last night, I snuck outside. What did I do in my rare act of rebellion? I cut the grass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 133

Frustration

By WhereIsIt? - 25/09/2020 14:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 467

Chill out, dad

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 00:30 - United States - Eden Prairie

Today, my father is incapable of doing anything without cursing and swearing so loudly that the neighbours hear him. If I ask him what’s wrong or to stop swearing at inanimate objects, he starts yelling at me for "jumping all over him." I can’t win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 166

Stay safe

By Sicky sick - 20/07/2021 00:01

Today, I'm in quarantine after testing positive for Covid. Two weeks after starting a new job. Two months after receiving the vaccine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 215

Running

By Anonymous - 18/11/2021 14:00 - United States - Yorktown

Today, I'm a teacher and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and UTI. The doctor warned me the two antibiotics may cause the runs. My doctor was right, they did, during class. I made it to the bathroom, did the deed, only to find out there was no toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 94

Classic cat

By Anonymous - 09/10/2021 19:58 - Germany - Norden

Today, our cat wrote me a story: "This is where I caught a mouse. This is where I ate the mouse. This is where I puked the mouse." Unfortunately, she wrote it as a graphic novel on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 162

Reefer madness

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 13:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I told the coworker who sits next to me that I don't smoke weed anymore, after she brought a spliff to work. I then got called into the directors' boardroom to receive a warning for smelling like marijuana at work. I was only allowed one more warning before they were due to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 207

Erm, thanks, I guess

By HeatedHeat - 29/03/2021 11:00

Today, I went to a store to buy a 43-inch TV that was on sale. The sale was so good that they sold out on the floor. I went to guest services and asked the employee if they had any in the back. She literally went to the back of the room, let out this god awful fart, came back out and said, “Sorry, we don’t.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 404

March for sanity

By Anonymous - 20/09/2021 23:00

Today, it took all 3 of my kids threatening to use their saved money to move out and into a flat together to make me realise just how much of an asshole my boyfriend is, and that by any definition I’ve been in a mentally abusive relationship for years, and ignored everyone’s attempts to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 831

My body is ruining my life

By Anonymous - 19/05/2022 22:00

Today, I have six exams next week, and as of this morning, I also have appendicitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 75

By rockonbaby - 13/01/2017 17:33 - France

Spicy

Today, in the middle of 69ing, my girlfriend put my dick on her forehead and announced “I’m a unicorn!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 406

Calculated revenge

By Anonymous - 30/11/2022 04:00

Today, my maths teacher, who hates me ever since I pointed out a mistake he made a few months ago, rang my dad and blatantly lied to him about me swearing at him in class. It was a complete load of bollocks, but my dad believed him and took away my PlayStation until after Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 182

Master manipulator

By Aninta - 12/03/2023 03:00

Today, I found out my long-distance boyfriend was trying to pick fights with me and start pointless arguments because he wanted a ticket out of the relationship. He wanted to find a reason to break up with me, rather than confess he has a local girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 150

Be happy for me

By IHaveThePower - 02/10/2021 02:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I got offered an interview for a great job. My father then spent the entire dinner telling me how pointless it was, and how I should apply to the factory next door because I would spend all the extra money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 107

Good boy

By Johndoe - 30/10/2021 20:00

Today, my dad called my by the family dog's name, and stared at me blankly as if struggling to remember my name when I was annoyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 167

Gatekeeping grief

By Anonymous - 21/12/2021 07:59

Today, after my cousin recently died, my aunt basically told me that I shouldn't be sad, because we fought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 111

Patsy

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 12:00

Today, my brother ran in, handed me a spatula, and told me to stand still. Barely a second later, our sister came tearing in the house with a fresh, raised welt on her ass cheek in the shape of said spatula, saw me holding said spatula, and kicked my ass up and down the house until I escaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 181

Healthcare in the USA

By still can’t sleep - 21/12/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, despite changing my eating habits, exercising regularly, and taking melatonin, I still can’t sleep. When I told my doctor, she prescribed antidepressants. This is the third time she’s tried to give them to me. That’s her solution for everything, and my insurance won’t give me another doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 159

Getting on

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 05:59

Today, after much measuring with a tape measure, comparing with my sisters and even asking my husband for his opinion, I'm forced to admit that without a bra on, my boobs now sag so much my nipples hang down to the level of my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 134

The neverending story

By Hope you blow your brains out, you pussy! - 03/02/2022 01:59

Today, I'm currently in a long-running argument with the police because on New Year's Eve, some dumbass threw firecrackers at my car, destroying one tire, the two taillights, and the front windshield. I've been reporting it the morning after since, and neither the police nor the insurance want to do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 999

You deserved it 96

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The Top

The Top

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 431

You deserved it 3 531

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 808

You deserved it 11 034

Today, my friends told me, "Don't worry about your bad acne. It kind of looks like the pattern the avatars have on their heads." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 449

You deserved it 2 738

Today, at work, a customer asked where the shovels were. I tried to ask him if he was looking for snow shovels or regular shovels. It came out, "Are you looking for show snovels?" He then awkwardly said he was looking for snow shovels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 173

Today, I attempted to snoop around my daughter’s room, because I suspect her of having sex with her boyfriend behind my back. Hoping to find the evidence, I went to her room as soon as she left for school. Turns out she rigged her bedroom door. With glitter. Uh oh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 258

You deserved it 2 997

Today, I came home to my wife who was drunk and sobbing. I’d left her alone with my kids from my first marriage along with ours and I guess they acted up so bad they made her break her sobriety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 423

You deserved it 216