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The all-time greatest FMLs

Letting it all hang out

By zoomzoom - 11/09/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 160

Look-alikes

By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 12:00

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 218

The long con

By Anonymous - 25/09/2020 23:01 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, I had expired soda and stale chips for my dinner. Why? Because my mother spent all our grocery money on organic food for her chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 179

I am what I am

By MimiFufu - 22/09/2019 16:00

Today, yet again I got delayed in airport security. One month ago, I thought it was a good idea to wear make-up when renewing my passport. It turns out I look nothing like myself without makeup. Hello shattered confidence and 5 years of needing to wear makeup for every flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 1 087

Galaxy brain take

By Oragami - 12/06/2020 14:07

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 262

Kids will be kids

By Charles Booth - 09/04/2021 20:00 - United States

Today, my 14 year-old got a 5-day suspension for fighting. He stood up for an 7th grader who was getting picked on. While the poor kid was eating lunch, they were messing with him when my son stepped in. There were some words said, then a fight. He feels terrible for fighting but I think he was in the right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 132

Extenuating circumstances

By No diploma - 05/02/2022 17:59

Today, I found out that my professor dropped me from class because I missed a Zoom meeting. The only class I needed to graduate. Why did I miss the meeting? Because I was in labor for 32 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 169

Someone needs a hug

By lukey101 - 13/08/2020 05:01

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year-old man and didn't even know the happy couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 496

By taz - 05/10/2018 15:30

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 3 233

The other stage of grief

By Anonymous - 06/10/2020 05:03

Today, I found out the girl I’ve been seeing for a few weeks is freaky. At her grandad's funeral, she got so upset she had to leave the room, only to drag me into the priest's office for a quick blowjob. Apparently, death turns her on. I had oral sex at a funeral. I’m going to Hell for sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 639

Us neither, dude

By Buzzing Confusion - 17/09/2021 20:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that the mother of my children named her vibrator after me. We are together and have not had sex in over 18 months. I have no idea what to do with this information. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 230

Dude, you're really bad at this

By Anonymous - 31/12/2022 03:00 - Kenya

Today, I was so horny, I decided to meet up secretly with a guy after having dinner with family. We went for a night drive and he parked somewhere to go down on me. The dude was sucking the life out of my clit, almost biting it off. Good thing my mum called and I had a reason to escape the ordeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 879

Surprise strike

By Anonymous - 28/06/2020 20:02

Today, as I was walking home with dinner, a pigeon pooped on my leg like a dive bomb. My hands were full carrying the food, so I had to walk the rest of the way with a smear on my jeans that everyone knew what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 201

That was quick

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 23:02 - United States - Herndon

Today, my husband told me he doesn't see me in a sexual light. Too bad we've only been married for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 144

Soon.

By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 142

Badmouth Strikes Again

By Melissa - 08/03/2020 14:00

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 170

Bass Pro Shops reject

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 12:00 - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 396

Mr Clean

By Jenn - 18/08/2021 09:59

Today, I discovered my new boyfriend doesn’t have toilet paper. He has a toilet cloth, which he instructed me to rinse off in the toilet after I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 139

By justine - 11/08/2019 02:00

Today, I finally confronted my daughter about never using air freshener after she poops. She said, "But I thought flushing made the smell go away!" She's 15 and she actually believed this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 624

Parenting 101

By unworthyoflove - 09/06/2020 14:07

Today, I told my parents that I was going to stop being so hard on myself all the time. They responded by calling me a narcissist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 221

Close shave

By Anonymous - 13/12/2021 20:00

Today, my mom got a new furnace put in because they found out the old one was leaking carbon monoxide. This is six months after I got kicked out because I was sleeping too much, so my mom thought I was using drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 98

The disrespect

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 11:01

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 70

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

By fatty punani - 05/06/2020 08:00

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 659

Overbearing much?!

By lily - 25/06/2020 05:04

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 415

By Catremorse - 01/08/2019 20:00 - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 581

Caught in 4K

By Pxuccy - 20/02/2022 22:00

Today, I was robbed while working overnight at the gas station. They demanded I give them all the cash in the register. Seeing they were armed, I was reduced to tears and complied. They mocked me and took a video with their cellphone. When I told my boss, he promptly fired me for not “fighting back.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 88

Meddling

By sotter42 - 20/07/2020 17:01

Today, my father-in-law decided he was going to just completely take over our engagement party, so now my fiancé just wants to go to Reno and get married there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 165

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 14:00

Today, I explained to my man child of a boyfriend that we don't reuse dirty dishes. We have to wash them. He doesn't think it's gross and yelled at me, throwing the pan in the sink. Oh, he also refuses to wash dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 546

No thanks

By Pinsky - 14/10/2021 05:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 710

Dads gonna dad

By biggrl - 11/05/2021 08:00 - South Africa

Today, I had to ask my dad to drop me off at my doctor's appointment. He insisted on coming up to the waiting room with me. When my doctor came out, he greeted her with, "Hi, I'm the dad, but I won't sit in because she's a 'big girl now'." I'm 21, and I was at my gyno check-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 135

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The Top

Today, I got yelled at by my supervisor for getting an hour of overtime yesterday. The reason I had an hour of overtime was because that same supervisor made me stay late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 118

You deserved it 1 065

Today, a woman who I have spoken to approximately twice in my life, asked me out. I turned her down in the most harmless way I could. Three hours later, I found my car keyed and my windshield wipers gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 345

You deserved it 2 033

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 824

You deserved it 4 624

Today, I took a girl out to dinner. Halfway through, she sighed and asked if it was all an episode of Disaster Date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 3 116

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 385

You deserved it 38 384

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 034

You deserved it 290