Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML
Today, while walking downstairs to go to work, I turned the corner and my boyfriend pulled a gun on me. Apparently, he forgot I was there. FML
Today, I thought my car was overheating. I then thought it was wise to put my hand close to my muffler to feel the heat. Needless to say, I stuck my entire hand on my muffler then had to drive around with the only cold thing in my car. A cold beer from my cooler. Yes, I got pulled over. FML
Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML
Today I adopted a dog. He ran away the same day. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML
Today, I went back to my friends place drunk. As we were walking in, she told me to be quiet, so as not to wake her parents and let them know we were drunk. I then walked in and looked at her parents, who were still awake watching TV, and said, "Shhh. Meg told me not to wake her parents." FML
ashlyrose45 tells us more.
ashlyrose45 12
Didn't realize this got posted! But her parents knew we were out drinking so it wasn't a big deal :) it was just really late, like 3 or 4 in the morning, so she figured they'd be asleep. Felt pretty stupid when I woke up!
Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML
Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went to a shop known for its hardcore sex toys. We happened to run into one of my university lecturers and her wife discussing butt plugs with a member of staff, and then saw my aunt and uncle at the register. FML
Today, when calling out of work, I was told by my boss that I was "full of shit" before he hung up. I actually am. I haven't pooped in almost four days. FML
Ihavelike3bucks tells us more.
Of course out of all the FMLs I've submitted through the years - this is the one that went through. Anyway, I'm better now! On top of that, I got hit with the flu like a truck. No laxatives, stool softeners, magnesium, enemas, etc helped and between that circle of hell I ended up going to the ER. Ended up literally tearing myself a new one with an anal fissure. I've never been constipated before so this was awful. Oh also my first day back, our entire building was shut down and we all were laid off. Happy Holidays everyone!
Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML
Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while, saying that there were tapes of me from when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno starring her and her ex-boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML
Today, as we were exchanging little affections in bed, my girlfriend suddenly burst into tears. I insisted on knowing why. She had just realized how much she missed her ex. FML
Today, my mom asked me to back up her phone. When I downloaded all of her pictures and checked to make sure they were all saved, I accidentally saw the topless photos she's been sexting my dad. I can erase the files, but not the images in my mind. FML
blackbird8 tells us more.
OP here. Update: my mom asked me to back up her phone again this weekend :O Since she saves everything on her phone she doesn't have enough storage for updates, so I have to back up and clear her phone fairly frequently. This weekend she told me she needed me to back up her phone AGAIN...I politely declined. And then had to explain to her why #AWKWARD. It's not the fact that they're boobs (duh, I have boobs; 50% of the world has boobs) it's that they're sexts. Also, she took them at work. Apparently my parents have a wild side.
Today, my fiancé asked me to do some manscaping. I got a little overzealous and now I look like a 12-year-old boy with razor burn. FML
Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML
Today, a little girl came up to me and told me I looked like a foot. Thanks a bunch, darling. FML
Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML
Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML
Today, I had to explain to my Pokemon-obsessed 6-year-old cousin that Albinos are not "Shiny People". FML
Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML
Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain downstairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML
Today, I walked into the living room to find my boyfriend plucking his ball hairs with the same tweezers I use for my eyebrows. FML
Today, after being married for a few months, my husband announced to me that he had finally chosen a location for our honeymoon. Three tickets to Guadeloupe. Yes, three. Me, him, and his mother. FML
Today, our old internet provider withdrew over $1,000 from our account for equipment they acknowledged receiving weeks ago, using preauthorized debit they claimed to have cancelled. Reimbursement will take 4 to 8 weeks. Our first mortgage payment is due just hours before my next pay cheque. FML
MommyMerida tells us more.
OP here! Here's the full story. I live in Quebec, where we have basically two providers for telecommunication services, plus a few small redistributors. I'd had major issues with one of them in the past (another long story culminating with a phone rep yelling at me about how sometimes it's the customer's fault, admitting it was their fault once they finally listened to what I had to say and then their manager trying to charge me hundreds of dollars to fix their screwup) so we decided to go with the other, but after a couple years of crappy service with them we decided to cancel our cable and internet with them and give a redistributor a chance. They sent us the necessary slips and we returned our rented equipment using the mail services they had specified. So when we received a bill for over $1,000 the next month, my husband called to clear it up and was told that they could see in their system the equipment had been received, but it could take them up to two billing cycles to process the returns and they would give us a credit once it was done. He asked to speak to a manager, who said he would process it right away and cancel our preauthorized debit to make sure it didn't go through. Three weeks later, it did. That time, when he called, my husband was told that cancelling payments could take up to a month to process and we should have put a stop payment on it with our bank. The whole thing was ridiculous since they had all the equipment the whole time. We were able to make some transfers and pay our mortgage on time, but timing was just terrible and our savings are somewhat depleted right now since we did just buy a house about a month ago and were required to put a lot down due to my husband being self-employed! We did go to our bank to report this, and after a short investigation they were able to refund us a couple of days ago. But after all that we will definitely be cancelling what remaining services we had with that provider!
Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML
Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML
Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML
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