Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML
Today, we got new doors fitted. There were new locks on the bathroom, to the reluctance of my mother, who thought one of us would lock ourselves in. "Only an idiot would lock themselves in," I said, and shut the door to demonstrate. I locked myself in. FML
Today, I was on a flight and one of my friends was sitting next to this woman who happened to be sleeping with her mouth wide open. My friend decided to take a picture. While I was editing it, a man sitting behind us said "If you want to take a picture of my girlfriend, wait until she's awake". FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend at his place, taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. Out of the blue, his mother, who already hates me, came in and caught us in the act. Now she hates me twice as much for desecrating her house. And she'll hate me triple when she finds out I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML
Today, I fell and fractured my tailbone. I just healed from my last tailbone fracture 4 weeks ago. FML
Today, I woke up late. My grandparents had slept over the night before, but they usually leave early. I heard someone in the kitchen and, thinking it was my brother, I said, "Thank god, the geriatric crew is FINALLY gone." My grandma then responded, "No, we're not." FML
Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML
Today, by helping my sweet, caring boyfriend get over his crippling insecurities and develop some confidence, I've turned him into a lying, cheating asshole I can't stand. FML
Today, my own dog bit me quite severely when I was in the middle of teaching a dog obedience class. Everyone had a good laugh at me and in the past few hours 4 of them have contacted me to let me know they won't be attending future lessons and that they'd like to get their money back. FML
Today, I had a piano exam. My friend noticed how nervous I was, and recommended that I compliment the examiner for higher marks. When it was time for the exam, without thinking, I told him I liked his hair. Turns out bald people don't like that. FML
Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML
Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML
Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML
Today, me and my girls went to get revenge on a girl who slept with my boyfriend by egging her house. Her house was too far away so we decided to get her truck. We wasted a carton of eggs on her driveway because we all have terrible aim and look incredibly stupid for missing so bad. FML
Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML
Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML
Today, I received the good news that my spine looks normal. Either the degenerative disc that was diagnosed 5 years prior magically healed, or my current doctor is an idiot. Considering that it's felt like someone is chiseling into my spine for some days, I'm leaning toward the latter. FML
Today, I spent five minutes sitting in my car, panicking and tearing my purse apart because I couldn't find my keys. I then found them. They were in the ignition, and the car was running. FML
Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML
Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML
Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML
Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML
Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML
Today, I walked past a building site near my house, there was a sign saying "WARNING - Beware of the scaffolding". I started laughing at the stupidity of the sign, and walked straight into a metal pole. FML
Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML
Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML
Today, I had a conversation about how Victoria Beckham ate fruit salad for her birthday, as if it was an important subject. FML
Today, I was at a stoplight when a guy rear-ended me going 40mph due to texting and driving. The lady in front of me ended up getting bumped by my car, totaling my car and leaving a scratch on her bumper. She refused to call an ambulance. I ended up with a mild concussion and sprained neck. FML
tenniemo tells us more.
tenniemo 20
Hey guys OP here (I had posted anonymously without an account before). To clarify what happened, I was about a car's length away from the SUV in front of me, stopped at a red light. I was hit by an SUV and I had a Saturn sedan... that's why it ended up crunched and totaled. When he hit me I flew backwards and my seat lock failed, collapsing my seat into the back bench. I hit my head and blacked out. When I regained consciousness my foot had come off my brake, causing me to run into the SUV in front of me with the impact. I immediately put my car in park and put on my E lights when I woke up. Paramedics were eventually called onto the scene after police came to check me out. I was having an anxiety attack right after it occurred, so was not in a mental state to call 911, and the guy who hit me's phone died just after he hit me. He was super concerned and took full responsibility, and yelled at the lady in front of us for not checking if we needed paramedics before calling 911. My air bag did not deploy, but I was checked out by paramedics and got a ride to the hospital. I'm doing alright now, with just a mild concussion and a sprained neck. Thank you all for the concern! :) now it's just about figuring out getting money together to get another car!
Today, while using the restroom, a little girl crawled under my stall door. She stared at me, then yelled, "Someone's in here!" FML
MidnightMusic53 tells us more.
Yay, I finally got an FML published! No idea how it ended up under anonymous, but so glad anyway. I have the "pleasure" of working at Wal-Mart. I was using the restroom on my break, when suddenly, a random child appears. No idea how old she was, or why her mother couldn't be bothered to follow her, she was way too young to be alone. I started to ask her not to crawl under the door but she was in and out.
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
