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Child brain

By AnatomyLecture - 22/01/2017 14:00

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 226

You deserved it 705

By planes - 30/12/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, on the airplane, the kid behind me kicked my seat hundreds of times, while the big bald guy next to me farted deadly ones repeatedly. I was on a non-stop 14-hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 039

You deserved it 2 620

By omgdesdes - 16/11/2014 01:29 - United States - Casselberry

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he triumphantly flung the condom to the ceiling, only to have it come down and smack me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 768

You deserved it 6 033

By stifledbyyou - 12/12/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 8 400

Gene Simmons approves this FML

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 492

You deserved it 12 220

By Sylvania - 10/06/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 825

You deserved it 5 596

By Anonycock - 06/01/2016 17:15 - Qatar - Doha

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 854

You deserved it 3 918

By Anonymous - 08/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 988

You deserved it 38 861

By Cait - 31/01/2017 04:00 - Canada - Olds

Today, my friend figured out that if you poke my neck I scratch like a dog. She has yet to cease doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 343

You deserved it 811

By aineroo - 05/11/2014 21:25 - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 668

You deserved it 3 928

By father of the year - 01/08/2013 06:21 - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 504

You deserved it 11 881

By bribreeeeeezyfreshhh - 06/12/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 951

You deserved it 27 216

By Gameless Guy - 24/12/2009 15:49 - United States

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 221

You deserved it 4 116

Nepo baby

By sickofit - 31/12/2015 08:24 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 734

You deserved it 1 454

By chrisbravo - 23/08/2012 06:54 - United States

Today, I had a hard time taking a dump. Before flushing, I noticed two pennies and a dime incrusted in my turd. It seems that yesterday, while drunk, I swallowed some change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 053

You deserved it 32 306

chrisbravo tells us more.

chrisbravo 4

Friday 24 August 2012 3:35

OP replies: It was a hell of a night. It "changed" my life.

Superfuzz Big Muff

By miiiiilk - 05/12/2010 11:12 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was about to go down on me, he held his breath and said, "I'm going in!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 682

You deserved it 9 542

Same thing

By fml - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 761

You deserved it 2 459

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

By Mr.Incognito-san - 19/11/2020 02:02

Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 989

You deserved it 1 272

Congratulations…?

By beka - 07/01/2019 12:00

Today, after our housing offer was accepted, I told my parents. The only response was, “That’s a much nicer house than I had when I got married, I hope you can afford furniture.” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 280

By Anonymous - 13/08/2012 18:48 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 096

You deserved it 5 227

Why not both?

By Alexandra - 20/09/2011 08:25 - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 669

You deserved it 9 002

By anoymus - 31/05/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I was driving to the local market with my son. We approached a vehicle that looked just like my fiancé's. My son peered out his window and said, "Mommy, daddy's getting kidnapped!" It seems he was being 'kidnapped' by his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 983

You deserved it 3 285

By the fish - 30/01/2019 04:00

Today, I started this show and was really confused what was happening until I realized I accidentally started from the last episode so I basically ruined the whole show for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 757

You deserved it 1 346

By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 22:00 - Canada

Today, I went to my Calculus lecture, one of a class of 200 people. As I looked down I noticed that a guy a few rows in front of me was on Facebook. When I took a closer look, I noticed he was viewing my profile. He stalked the profile for a full 45 minutes. I have never met this guy in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 364

You deserved it 5 477

**** McGee

By BoobiePain - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got stitches in my breast. I never knew how much they jiggled until every bump on the road made my breast feel like it was on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 268

You deserved it 3 095

By WishIWasADogMinder - 10/12/2015 10:47 - Australia

Today, while making less than minimum wage at McDonalds, I had to dispose of a grown man's soiled underwear that he left on the bathroom floor under a pile of toilet paper. It isn't even the grossest thing I've seen in my six months of employment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 897

You deserved it 2 530

I'll make my own way

By Anonymous - 02/03/2022 06:00 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, my daughter is too crafty for her own good: she found out I was planning on driving her to her first date to meet a boy, so she let the air out of my car tyres, removed my bike chain, and even stole my bus pass. I taught her well. Well played daughter, well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 374

You deserved it 1 481

By tarini - 27/05/2009 20:12 - Bangladesh

Today, I got an acceptance later to a great boarding school in India for my senior year of high school. I sent them a letter telling them I wouldn't go, because I just got back with my ex-boyfriend. I just got a text from my boyfriend. Guess who's my ex again? FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 748

You deserved it 122 141

By Mike - 28/02/2019 02:00

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 281

You deserved it 535

By ColderThanCold - 15/03/2019 00:00

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 920

You deserved it 286

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The Top

Today, I casually mentioned to my mom that my boyfriend of two years and I were thinking about moving in together. She looked me dead in the eye and said if I ever moved out, she'd throw me out of the house. I'm confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 034

You deserved it 2 975

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 104

You deserved it 10 865

Today, a customer handed me the ankle-length hosiery she had just used to try on some shoes, and as I sat there feeling the warm dampness of them in the palm of my hand, she said, "You should throw those away, I have a toe fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 099

You deserved it 2 938

Today, I missed my bus to school, so I took my bike. The bus that I missed ignored a stop sign on its way back, making me crash into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 117

Today, the cops showed up at my work because people were fighting in the parking lot. This is a nightly occurrence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 108

Today, I visited my Mum. She has invited me to visit her before, but kept cancelling whenever I tried to arrange an actual visit. I finally went over anyway, only to find her in a soiled nappy, room in ruins, with kidney failure-induced dementia. Sometimes they hide it well over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 119