The Top

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Tasty

By Anonymous - 06/11/2009 14:31 - Denmark

Today, at a party, a fly flew into my mouth. I spat it out, and in an effort to wash my mouth out, I grabbed the can of coke that was on the table next to me. Apparently people had been spitting in there and using it as an ashtray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 765

You deserved it 9 835

By Anonymous - 14/07/2019 16:00

Today, I got to wake up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "U got competition." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 20:39 - Denmark

Today, my dad borrowed my new iPad to amuse him while he was in the shower without my knowledge. The iPad is now completely ruined, and my dad is refusing to buy me a new one. He says, "How was I to know that it wasn't waterproof?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 961

You deserved it 3 868

By mylifesucks - 18/04/2009 07:20 - Netherlands

Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 56

Close-knit family unit

By Anonymous - 27/05/2022 09:00 - United Kingdom - Redcar

Today, I woke up to my sister with her hand wrapped gently around my balls, saying, “Don’t lie or I’ll squeeze.” She wanted to know if I’d eaten her strawberries. I said no. She'd looked my bin and saw the empty packet. She looked back at me and squeezed. The pain made me late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450

You deserved it 3 307

Do it again

By thornrose22 - 01/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 248

You deserved it 3 210

By Ladyfarquard - 21/07/2019 04:03

Today, I got charged with drink driving, without even driving my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 569

Careful

By taob - 20/05/2012 17:11 - China - Nanning

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 404

You deserved it 6 471

By temp - 21/10/2016 00:36

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 943

You deserved it 718

By Gibbster_ - 20/06/2014 05:05 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my life is so boring that I started looking through my can of coins and sorting them out by year. The oldest coin I have is from 1963. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 841

You deserved it 8 965

Let down

By colts609380 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 295

You deserved it 3 255

You never know

By anonymous - 17/09/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test, saying, "Well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 755

You deserved it 7 357

Hormones

By HormonesSuck - 25/03/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 288

You deserved it 210

Putting people off their food

By Anonymous - 03/06/2022 18:00

Today, in a restaurant, staff asked me to fix my skirt because multiple customers complained my buttcrack was putting them off their food. I thought the waiter was using fake complaints to justify his rudeness, but when I got up to fix it fully, half the restaurant applauded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 2 081

By ohno - 14/09/2010 23:30 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of 3 years out to where we had our first date. I proposed to her. She breaks down in tears as she tells me she's been sleeping with her co-worker for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 696

You deserved it 3 236

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 195

You deserved it 7 951

By muffintop - 11/07/2011 02:34 - Canada

Today, I was standing at airport security. One of the bag inspectors asked me to remove my travel pouch, pointing to the lump under my shirt. I didn't know how to tell him that it was just one of my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 200

You deserved it 13 582

By JohnyP - 09/07/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 516

You deserved it 3 529

This has gone too far

By concernedson - 12/09/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, while my mom was out, my family agreed upon the assumption that she has a "shopping problem." I argued against it for quite a while, until she pulled up minutes later with a what seemed like a life-time supply of canned condensed milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 596

You deserved it 4 949

By hatemyjob - 23/04/2013 18:25 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 43 692

By Anonymous - 10/09/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 058

You deserved it 50 860

By ripped - 11/04/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, I saw a dime on the ground. When I bent down to pick it up, my $80 dollar pants ripped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 251

You deserved it 63 930

By laury - 09/05/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 595

You deserved it 3 652

Oh shit…

By half-dead in CA - 31/05/2014 16:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 353

You deserved it 4 017

By lonely - 15/04/2013 03:45 - United States

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house. After asking him what was wrong due to his weird attitude, he responded with, "This isn't working; I'm in love with my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 775

You deserved it 4 531

By Misc248 - 19/10/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I told my sister that I thought I was pregnant, and that she was the only person I had called. Immediately after I hung up the phone I got a text saying, "OMG my sister thinks she's pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 321

You deserved it 5 653

Misc248 tells us more.

Misc248 0

Saturday 7 November 2009 17:40

We can laugh about it now because it turns out I wasn't pregnant. But now I know I can't trust her with information like that (unfortunately).

By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 804

You deserved it 16 166

Smart move

By Triedtobecool - 06/04/2009 02:22 - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 977

You deserved it 99 984

By Anonymous - 20/08/2019 00:01

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 805

You deserved it 250

By oops - 05/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 065

You deserved it 80 657

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my cat decided to use my keyboard as a scratching post, and now my computer won't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 215

Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136 628

You deserved it 8 108

Today, I'm horribly out of shape. My arms are sore, almost like I'd been doing heavy lifting yesterday. Nope. It just was from squeezing cupcake icing out of a tube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 566

You deserved it 12 860

Today, I discovered my 3-year-old daughter's artistic skills. She managed to draw an elaborate mural on our living room wall. The masterpiece? A stick figure family, including our dog, but instead of a tail, he has a second head. She of course used permanent markers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 173

Today, my husband won’t speak to our son anymore, because our son has slowly become more religious and is now studying to be a priest, "bringing shame on the family" as my husband calls it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 256

Today, I'm recovering from a fall down the basement steps. I was carrying a casserole down to the fridge we have in the basement. I tripped, crashed at the bottom and broke my arm. Our dog came running down to investigate, completely ignored me, and just started eating the casserole off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 152