Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML
Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML
Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML
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Top comments
Trembelwick 5
Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!
xii_clueless 0
Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]
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Comments (301)
Trembelwick 5
Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!
Trembelwick 5
Damnit! I meant to put neuter not slash!
Sparks808 10
What about this FML made you think Pokemon? Lol, but go dad, he's just looking out for his daughters' best interests. If you want to protect junior, don't hurt his daughter ;)
Trembelwick 5
I was playing pokemon red on my Original big brick of a Gameboy and well ya... the rest is history haha
hellbilly205 17
Should be a lesson dont **** with the military...we know how to get the point across (yes, i know it said marine)
downtime 13
12, His daughters best interests would be to let her experience life, including the heartache and painful times that go along with it. OP, don't bother with the idiot. He's all words.
77777771 12
It's kind of sweet in a messed up way.
spazz666 18
67) were you referring to yourself in the last sentence of your comment?
downtime 13
...I'd need to have said something threatening for that to make sense. Good try though.
Blacksabbath211 9
I kinda got the hiccups from laughing so hard at this, I don't know why though xD. Thank you for making my day, sir :-D
MrBobby_fml 7
That's not looking out for his girls best interests, that's being controlling and scary. Did she ask for his help? Also, what... so the dad is gonna bury this guys dick in a tree trunk?
172pilot 20
No such thing as an Ex-Marine...Once a Marine always a Marine
MrBoredGuy 1
Well said. Semper Fi
monkeysareyummy 0
I am playing Pokemon Crystal on my gameboy and I am trying to get to Mt. Silver but someone is blocking my way. How do I get him to move? Any one know how?
friedchickenpie 14
176 - Chop off his dick with a machete and he'll move.
vizkiz 12
Should have replied, "Oh, so she told you how big it is?" And then run. Fast.
OHai15 12
Is ur girlfriend's dad name Chuck Norris by any chance?...
BostonBruinsFan 8
176-Get all badges u can get, search every building u haven't visited, and talk to a lab person from the Prof. if u find one(should be close to silver mt.) and also everyone else, btw, do u have the master ball? If not, find rockets' hideout.
hellbilly205 17
207 you really think chuck norris needs a machete to chop off a dick?
iwanturbf 1
Omg when I read this I could have sworn it said mustache!!!
atomica96 0
Her father just wants to set some rules so he doesnt get careless or foolish and break her heart. Yeah this world is full of jerks and crap but that doesnt mean the bf needs to be one.
rofflewaffle 9
Use the term former Marine. An ex-Marine is somebody who got kicked out and no longer deserves to wear the title. He earned the right to the name, so show him some respect.
Tripl3platinum 4
Notice how everybody's disliking your comment? Yeah, shut the **** up.
desoto96 9
Ha, all words? Clearly you've never met a real marine before.
xii_clueless 0
Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]
MetalxSoldier 26
Can't blame a man for trying to watch out for his daughter. I would do the same.
Insane_Tea 15
Now we wait to see if OP's love to save for his penis is greater than crazy dad's daughter.
DeviousAngel 13
My own father has told me many times that he'll simply look my guy in the eyes and say, "I'm not afraid to go back to jail."
_LE4RN_ 4
To be fair, we have to take size into consideration here.
downtime 13
56, Forever alone then?
burninnapalm 5
I'll be honest. Some douche bag ever comes knocking for my daughter, I would do the same thing. Semper Fi!
MattZAX 9
You look like you're 10 years old ;o no offense
bunny911 16
56- Your father owns!
bunny911 16
My dad is into archery, his method was to hit the bull's eye with three arrows in a row with my bf standing beside him. No words were needed, the look on the bf's face said enough.
phatdaddy62 23
I'm 6 foot 6 and 280 pounds. I used to answer the door whenever a date came over to pick up my daughters. Enough said!
Ecklcakes 15
"Son", sounds like he's got high expectations as well - well you're in for the long haul OP.
miniman524 0
shutup
whoresatthedoor 2
I think its about time to leave the country
linkinpark98 24
Grow a beard, and change your name.
ClassyCommando 13
On the bright side...he seems to think your wedding tackle is the size of a tree stump. Every cloud...
DestinyandLove 0
Don't ******* Kill Me!!! XD deeeaadd
FirstTigerHobbes 13
Omg!!!!1!!!1 love thiz comment soooooooo much
claire3791 5
BANG!!!!!!
KeyboardWarrior 10
Shit Toronto people say... Or Scarborough/Rexdale/Brampton. Only they say dead after a joke. Either way, this is not the place!
MattZAX 9
5 I couldn't find you on Facebook D= add me my name is Matt Zax ;D
haycassidy 7
Oh hey! It's a duck!
Jiplo 18
Haha! That was sooo funny! I'm literally laughing out loud! NOT.
TacoTrop 10
Woo! Another comment that I have lost brain cells from!
Sisseyy 0
Acting like a dick, makes you dickless. Huh.
jtthegr8 26
Well at least it's normal for a father to love his daughter even when it's sorta deathly
kainpwnsu 19
I bought a shotgun, just so I could clean it, whenever some horny douche bag comes to pick up my daughter. While leering ay him, I mention that I also own remote land in Montana and a shovel. Seems to be working.
teague95 16
You seem just like my girlfriend's father. Every time I'm at her house he makes it a point to show me his newest gun and tell me about his lake house where screams can't be heard. I'm not joking.
downtime 13
64, Thats when you tell him about how that would have been really useful to you had you not finished recovery for your nymphomania and anger management issues. Fortunately, the doctor said you're legally fine so long as you stay on your pills. She may be forbidden from seeing you again, but at least you get a laugh out of it and avoid ending up in a family full of morons.
GMS1 7
I know my gf's dad pulls the same shenanigans, I laugh it off...if things go bad stay with her just to piss him off.
beast_adh4 6
64 or you can say ill have to visit there with your daughter some day and the you get the hell out of dodge
SpaceMann_fml 2
Protective dad of the year goes to....
Shadow_Phantom 26
Technically, I think he can get in trouble for threatening that; more so if he actually follows through with it... Also, FYL.
BruisedGiraffe 15
No shit he's gonna get in trouble for cutting off op's dick
wlddog 14
No judge on the planet would convict a father for scaring the hell out of his daughters latest boyfriend. Shoot, he could probably actually do it and simply tell the judge you attacked his daughter. Point of the story is, don't try to have a one night stand with a girl who's dad will defend her honor.
PInK_ExCiTeD 7
Wow trip killer -.-
PistolWhiper93 0
Well duh!!!!! You dumb b****!!!
PistolWhiper93 0
Really u think we didn't know that yeesh, this guy needs to get a true life.
DjeePee 25
"Point of the story is, don't try to have a one night stand with a girl who's dad will defend her honor." But why should the dad defend her honor (on this way)? Isn't she responsible for her own honor, her own life?
perdix 31
It's pretty flattering that he thinks you're sporting a tree stump! He could have snapped a pencil in half, and not wasted the trip out back.
KiddNYC1O 22
Lmao.