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By Joshtodon - 21/08/2018 22:00

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 825

You deserved it 172

By Drover7 - 07/04/2016 23:26 - Australia - Padstow

Today, my family is flying to Hawaii for a longed-for holiday. Well, my husband and children are; I'm in a hospital bed awaiting surgery on kidney stones that I never knew I had. Hopefully they'll send me a postcard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 944

You deserved it 1 213

Drover7 tells us more.

Drover7 3

Tuesday 12 April 2016 7:39

I am the OP and wish to thank everyone for their well wishes and kindness. Bit of an update: I have an infection in both kidneys so they can't yet remove the big 7mm stone that is stuck half way. Surgeons put in a stent and my pain filled hazy brain decided I just wanted to be with family so I stupidly boarded a plane to Hawaii! Now I am writhing about in a hotel bed (with a beautiful view of Waikiki and Diamond Head) and still ruining my family's holiday. I didn't realise how serious my condition was when I assured my husband that if he got on the plane I would follow a day later so it's all my fault. I've made a shitty situation even worse. FML

By jdawn99 - 22/10/2013 14:24 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 658

You deserved it 3 216

By Anonymous - 24/07/2009 10:01 - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 085

You deserved it 4 693

By Nola - 13/09/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 325

You deserved it 1 810

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 581

You deserved it 3 589

By StolenCarz - 09/03/2016 12:30 - United States - Asheville

Today, my friend and I were walking down my neighborhood when he joked that my car was being stolen when one that looked exactly like it passed. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 854

You deserved it 1 511

StolenCarz tells us more.

StolenCarz 6

Wednesday 9 March 2016 22:38

Was able to get it recovered, the perpetrator is now in jail :) thanks everyone

By Ben - 25/01/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 306

You deserved it 47 755

By ___Ruby_____ - 08/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 568

You deserved it 394

By Random - 25/02/2016 22:09 - United States - Tuskegee

Today, my dad walked into my school and joked around saying that he's going to shoot my boyfriend. We all laughed. Except my boyfriend. He was sobbing in a corner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 285

You deserved it 4 534

By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 111

You deserved it 210

By Anonymous - 02/01/2014 05:14 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I decided to do a little shopping at Victoria's Secret. The woman at the register smiled and asked, "Got a special someone to impress?" I told her that my boyfriend of three years was in town for New Year's and we haven't seen each other in months. Then I went home to my four cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 784

You deserved it 13 734

By tooembarrassed - 12/02/2016 15:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was cuddling with the man I've been seeing, and he started caressing the mammoth of all pimples on my back. He continued fondling me while lecturing me on the dangers of skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 215

You deserved it 2 001

By Anonymous - 05/01/2011 20:49 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. He's been calling his penis "fun-sized" for a while now, but I didn't know he meant it really was the size of a fun-size candy bar. I'm pretty sure I'm still technically a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 384

You deserved it 9 369

By LoveMyNewBro - 04/01/2011 10:56

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 203

You deserved it 5 944

By Lexy - 10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 132

You deserved it 447

The joke's on you

By justjoking - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 544

You deserved it 8 102

Life hacks for kids

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 500

You deserved it 11 676

By unemployed - 09/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 790

You deserved it 401

By Kan23 - 26/01/2016 03:37 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 086

You deserved it 1 474

By Binks - 23/11/2018 15:30 - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 966

You deserved it 257

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 18:18 - Ireland - Kilkenny

Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said, "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 248

You deserved it 5 636

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 647

You deserved it 36 411

By What-_- - 25/01/2017 00:00

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 490

You deserved it 558

By Toooldforthisshit - 09/12/2018 17:30 - United States - New London

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 136

You deserved it 269

By yuck - 08/12/2018 17:30 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was out riding and a seagull pissed on me. It got in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 655

You deserved it 248

By makdra - 06/01/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 292

You deserved it 2 037

By HeatherFeatherB - 05/01/2016 03:27 - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 853

You deserved it 1 276

Perfect!

By BahHumbug - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Painesville

Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 374

You deserved it 8 189

I hate my job

By norestforthewicked - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 998

You deserved it 735

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The Top

Today, my wife and I drove two hours from our rural town to buy a new sofa. When we got home, it took us an hour to figure out there was no way to fit it through our door. We made the two hour drive back to return it, only to find the store was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 075

You deserved it 9 871

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 568

You deserved it 4 986

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 182

You deserved it 725

Today, I had to pretend in front of our director that my manager is a nice person. In reality, she's a soul-sucking bully who has made my life so miserable that twice I was on the brink of nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 343

Today, my wife insisted we try anal until we “got it right”. Well, she complained through the whole thing, wouldn’t let me quit, blamed me when I inevitably did orgasm and she didn’t, and then moaned about how it stings and needing a shower. I don’t even like anal, it’s not my thing at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 850

You deserved it 356

Today, I arrived early in the morning at my job counting inventory, only to find that the scanner machines were still getting set up due to difficulties with WiFi. We ended up starting two hours late due to various technical issues, and I almost missed my sister's recital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 49