Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML
Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML
Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML
Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML
Today, my housemate's cat began meowing at 2:15am. After about 10 minutes of continuous caterwauling, it finally shut up. Almost immediately afterwards, a car with thumping bass music pulled up to idle in the street right outside my window. FML
Today, I had a meeting with my girlfriend, who I live with and work with but on different teams. Both our teams got laid off. FML
Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said, "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML
Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML
Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML
Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML
Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML
Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML
Today, after weeks of keeping it a secret, I excitedly gave my boyfriend what I thought to be the perfect Christmas present. Turns out lock picking sets are illegal in Ohio. FML
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML
Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML
Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML
Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML
Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought me a beautiful white gold ring that I never got to see. His estranged mom stole the ring. FML
Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML
Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML
Today, as I tried to parallel park at a busy spot downtown, a group of teens jumped in front of my car and started a slow clap. FML
Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML
Today, I thought it would be a good idea to Super Glue a couple of quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML
Today, my cat thanked me for buying her a new litterbox by peeing in all of my plants. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML
Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML
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