Today, I found out how it feels when someone slips and falls while they have a hypodermic needle in your arm. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to visit his grandparents. Everything went well, until his grandmother approached me and asked me if I wanted to try some of her old bras. I didn't want to be rude, so I went with her. Most awkward moment of my life. FML
Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML
Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML
Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty." Not used to getting this sort of compliment every day, I felt extremely flattered… until he started explaining in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML
Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time in almost a year. To keep things casual, he had a couple of his friends join. Oh and by a couple of friends, I mean a party of people from his church. I'm not religious. The date wasn't even half over before I was being preached to. FML
Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML
Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML
That little tiger has some serious attitude. Relatable.
Today, my son decided he wanted roasted marshmallows. It would've been fine, except he put the entire bag into the oven I had preheating for pizza and caught it on fire. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML
Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML
Today, I'm seven weeks pregnant. For the first time in a week, I feel well enough to eat something that isn't Cheerios, a bagel, or crackers. I woke up two hours after going to bed with the shits. I'm almost convinced this kid hates me already. FML
Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML
Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML
Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML
Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML
Today, my fiancé finally went to a therapy session with me because of the difficult circumstances we are facing. Afterwards, he shouted at me for "talking to someone about our problems". I told him that's kind of the point of therapy. Now he's sulking. FML
onyinye tells us more.
onyinye 4
hey guys, OP here. We have been together for several years now and we've been through a lot. I'd say we have grown together and our relationship is great in general. However, a lot of bad stuff has happened in the past (I got raped and he kinda blames himself for not being there for me and protecting me at that time, which he couldn't, because he got falsely accused of dealing drugs and was behind bars for a couple of months until they let him go). About the marrying stuff, we are still engaged and want to get married in the future, but considering the circumstances we have decided to wait for things to settle before actually setting a date and going through with it. I think the reason why he got angry is that he usually sees himself as "the strong man" and the protector and while he is comfortable talking to me alone, he felt really uncomfortable being vulnerable in front of a stranger.
Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML
Today, I've been living in Germany for several weeks now. My classmates still cannot pronounce my name: Clémence. Instead they call me, “Baguette.” FML
Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML
Today, because it was our first Christmas as a couple, I was careful to get my girlfriend what I considered to be a very thoughtful gift. She opened it, took one look at it, made a face like I'd just kicked a puppy, and told me that in future it would be better if I just gave her money so she could buy her own presents. FML
Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML
Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML
Today, my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement." Yup, it's a cult. FML
Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me two tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML
Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML
Today, my mum called me at work in hysterics, saying she had just been arrested and that I needed to get her dog from her house. I had no idea why she was arrested. I hear nothing from her until 1 a.m. when she calls, waking me up. The first words out of her mouth are, "How's the dog?" FML
CaffeinePlz_24_7 tells us more.
OP here (TooStressedToFunction) with an update on things. Had to make an account for this, so enjoy. Turns out my mum AND dad were arrested, and are now on bail for six months. I'm not at liberty to say why they were arrested but trust me the allergations are BAD. Personally I don't belive the allergations are true, but my parents do need to move. Where are they moving? Closer to a support network maybe, consisting of family and friends who can help them through this hard and upsetting time ? Nope! Closer to the dog's special private vet, a full hour away from anyone that they know will help them. I fear pyscological issues are at play. P.S. The dog is fine, other than decades of interbreeding to keep his bloodline pedigree
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