Today, I realized that my girlfriend and I have no shared hobbies. We used to. She's stopped doing them with me and instead does them with someone else. No worries, he's "just a friend", although she did tell me she has a crush on him. But "nothing's going to happen" because "he doesn't feel the same". FML
Today, my roommate did his laundry. Unfortunately, he didn't check his pockets before he washed them. There's now sticky, melted gum all over the washer and I'm left to clean it up. FML
StickySituations tells us more.
OP here, and i realized i made a huge mistake in my FML. This actually took place in the dryer not the washer. I'm not sure why i made that silly mistake. However for anyone who this may ever happen to i managed to get it off rather easily by soaking a fresh dryer sheet in cold water and scrubbing away at the gum.... and yes, it really was gum.
Today, my entire family sat down in the living room to watch the video I recorded of my sister's graduation from college. I never pressed record. FML
Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML
Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML
Today, someone in class was making a point about premarital intercourse - "90% of teen virgins aren't saving it for marriage, they just can't get any." Another classmate pointed me out specifically. FML
Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML
Today, my dad was stupid enough to think that the kitchen sink is a good place to clean a gas tank. Now, the whole house smells of gas fumes and I'm about to pass out. FML
Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML
Today, I auditioned for the musical at my school. Before I sang my song, I gave my music to the director. She said "Oh, I love this song!". After I sang it, she told me, "It's okay, I still like the song." FML
Today, I awoke to a series of almighty explosions in the middle of the night. Turns out I fell asleep with my AirPods in to a “Soothing rain” soundtrack, which had turned to “Storms and thunder” at some point. I pissed the bed. FML
Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to Coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML
Today, I was at Disneyland with a friend. We were watching the light show, and when Tinkerbell came out, we both started crying. Some guy noticed and called us "fucking pussies". FML
Today, the guy I've been dating online for the last year and who I'm madly in love with blocked me. FML
Today, after two years of dating and my boyfriend knowing I hate kids and don’t want any, he surprised me with his 4 year-old daughter, thinking I would change my mind. I immediately dumped him, leaving him at the mall we were shopping at. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML
Today, my teacher, who's Irish, called me insensitive and stupid for imitating her accent. I'm Filipino and my parents immigrated to Ireland where I was born, and then we moved to Canada when I was 14. Her response to my explanation? "Bullshit." FML
Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML
Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML
Today, I was babysitting 3 toddlers. I wanted to entertain them by making them laugh, but nothing worked. Later on, I started down the stairs, but tripped and tumbled down. I realized I have broken my arm and bruised my knees. I also realized that kids think it's hilarious when you get injured. FML
Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML
Today, although many years ago I promised myself to never love a member of the armed forces due to the danger of losing him early, I did in fact fall in love with a soldier. Never mind though, as you can't lose what isn't yours in the first place, but rather your friend's husband. FML
Today, I found out that my dad recently created a Facebook account for himself. So I friended him. He refuses to accept my friend request. He did, however, accept my sister's. FML
Today, my boyfriend took a picture of us together because he wanted to have something to burn when we break up. FML
Today, I did the whole 'rose petals, takeaway Chinese, favourite wine, and movie' thing. As soon as my wife got home, she said, “Great, now I have to sweep up rose petals, I’m not in the mood for Chinese, I was saving that wine, and I watched that movie last week.” I officially give up even trying. FML
Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML
Today, I had to cancel my wedding. On top of being upset about the break up, I was informed I owed a $900 cancellation fee for not using the venue. Single and broke. FML
Today, I found out that if you cry yourself sleep and forget to take off your mascara, your top and bottom lashes will stick together. Leaving you unable to open your eyes. FML
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