Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML
Today, my doctor told me that my lungs are as bad as a 60-year-old heavy smoker's. I'm 19 and I've never touched a cigarette in my life. FML
Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML
Today, I went to the bathroom in a mall. As I was in the stall, a woman tried to open it. I yelled out that's it was occupied but she kept shaking it to open it. It came up to the point where she had to crawl under the door to see that I was there. FML
Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML
Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML
Today, I found out that my 50-year-old ex-husband and the 20-year-old skank he cheated on me with are buying the house next door to me. FML
Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML
Today, I was telling my wife how being told to drink water all day when you're not even thirsty is "such a scam". Suddenly, I felt an excruciating pain in my abdomen. The ER had to give me IV fluids because I was so constipated from dehydration. The bill was over $2000. FML
Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML
Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I wanted to tease him, so I got his attention and made my orgasm face when I thought no one was looking. His thirteen year-old cousin saw and now bursts out laughing whenever he sees me. FML
Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML
Today, my fiancé said "Rachel" instead of my name when asked to repeat, "I take thee, Emily, to be my lawfully wedded wife." I was shocked, so he explained while laughing that he doesn't even know a Rachel. He ruined our wedding for a Friends quote. FML
Emliy tells us more.
Hey guys, I'm the OP. To clear a few things up, he didn't exactly ruin the wedding. He and I have always been able to joke back and forth, and quoting shows in fitting situations is almost like a contest to us, to see who can quote a show or movie that matches the situation the fastest and the best. Before the wedding, I was winning at this game, and he saw our wedding as the PERFECT opportunity to take the lead. This wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't visibly shaking and feeling like I was about the puke throughout the whole ceremony. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and knew it was the right decision to marry him, but I was still a bundle of nerves. So when he said "Rachel," I immediately burst into tears, because my immediate thought was he was either cheating on me or in love with someone else (I knew the Friends quote, but when you're that invested in what's happening around you, your first thought isn't exactly going to be Ross Geller). So I guess I technically ruined the wedding a little more than him with my horrible sobbing that wouldn't stop even after I had forgiven him... After I calmed down, we went through with the rest of the ceremony. No slaps across the face, no leaving at the altar. We've been together since 8th grade, so I wasn't about to leave him after over 12 years of nothing but love and care.
Today, my apartment was flooded due to a broken pipe, which caused a huge family of cockroaches to disperse. Did you know they can fly? FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
Today, my father called me to ask what my middle name is. He apparently needed to know it to remove me out from his will. FML
Today, I was in a clothing store with my girlfriend. I saw the ugliest hat ever on a hat shelf, tried it on and said to my girlfriend, "Look at this ugly hat, it's absolutely horrible. It's even dirty." An old woman stood next to me said, "Well no wonder it's ugly, it's mine." FML
Today, the neighbors heard a blood curdling scream and called the cops, thinking I was being murdered. Nope. I just stubbed my toe. FML
Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML
Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML
Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML
Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML
Today, I asked the guy of my dreams out to the cinema. After saying to me "It's a date!" I started booking tickets. He said, "Why are you booking two?" I looked at him confused and then he said, "What about Dave? Dave? My boyfriend." FML
Today, I had my final piano performance. There is a guy in my class who constantly tells me I suck at piano, so I was looking forward to watching him play badly since he never practices. Instead, he played the most beautiful music that would make Mozart weep. He got a standing ovation. FML
Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML
Today, my wife called to me from across the house just to look at the penis-shaped period bloodstain on the back of her underwear. FML
Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML
Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. Now my niece won't stop making the same hand gesture. FML
Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML
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