Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML
Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML
Today, I announced my fourth pregnancy, this time with twins. I heard my mother mutter, “Finally two kids from the same dad.” FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm expecting our second child. He ripped up the sonogram and yelled at me to "fucking get rid of it" while jabbing me in the chest. FML
Today, I finally decided to tell my mother, a former Miss North Carolina winner, that I was several weeks pregnant. She immediately burst into tears and hugged me. She kept saying, "Thank god, thank god." At first I was relieved. Then she said, "I thought you were just getting fat." FML
Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML
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Top comments
iLike2Teabag 27
Holy mother of OP she's good.
giantsfan2010 23
She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.
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Comments (84)
iLike2Teabag 27
Holy mother of OP she's good.
Classy_Sassy_15 15
I hand it to her she's great but she shouldn't have told you that congrats on your second child though
iLike2Teabag 27
And we also know the real reason OP's dad spontaneously yelled out "oh God!" in church.
jalmanza2580 11
she's 19 and has 1 kid and is happy about another on the way??
llalala_fml 19
#75 hands it to her
iLike2Teabag 27
Who's 19? Wutchu talkin bout, Willis?
atav 17
@90 #82 assumed that the op is 19 since their username ends in 97, although that would only make the op 17.
incoherentrmblr 22
Holy ****...
giantsfan2010 23
She's good. How the hell do you do that in church with nobody noticing.
FrutLoopDingus 19
That's what I was thinking! OP tell your mom great job
Mekeritrig 15
The husband probably had an article of clothing on his lap under which the wife snuck her hand and did the deed. Impressive.
may14th 26
God noticed.
tony1891 22
perhaps Everyone thought he was shouting "oh god" cause he was feeling the sermon.
Enslaved 38
Everyone else's eyes were closed during prayer time?
AddictGamer 16
I jacked off on a bus without anyone noticing ~ beat that OP's mother. And #48, that would have to be a quickie then.
BSnapZ 21
#77 I feel like it would be a lot easier to do it to yourself than it would be to do it to someone else...
DenBriZel 31
I am very curious as to how she managed to pull that off.. 0.0
cakefete2 31
Well played pun. I salute you.
sarkaar 30
I hope she didn't literally pull it off. :-)
pugpuggy 21
Well, you gotta 'hand' it her.
flurpiee 14
Well congratulations on expecting!
Witchylady 18
Wow your mother is a piece of work. Congratulations on the news about your second child.
MRP360 14
pop open the brain bleach!
Sandman366 6
Um, I ran out. Where do you get yours?
sicksadworld1317 30
We need time machines. That way, you could have shot back "The real achievement is that I got knocked up in church. It's an immaculate conception! If you want me to aim any higher than that, you're screwed."
badluckalex 23
.
PoshChip 9
Misread fml
kitkatmiaow 21
Sadly not...
Dodge4x4Ram 46
wife of the year