Today, I walked into a glass door at a busy mall. Not only did I face-plant in front of a crowd, but I also left an almost perfect imprint of my face on the glass. FML
Today, I went to a dance and saw a really cute guy. Glow sticks were everywhere, so trying to be cute, I took a broken one and dripped some of the glowing liquid on my chest. It made him notice me, but only for him to point out that I'd managed to cut myself and was bleeding badly. FML
Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML
Today, I went on a second date with a girl that I like and had a really good time while with her. We got pretty drunk and then went back to mine. When things started to get sexy, I accidentally called her by her sister's name. A girl I don’t even know. FML
Today, while reading "1984" on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML
Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML
Today, I found out that the man I’ve been dating for four months still isn’t over his ex and that’s why he doesn’t want to make it official between us. FML
Today, my grandmother informed me that I was rude to her at my wedding two months ago, all because she couldn’t sit at the bridal table, even though she "paid for the wedding." FML
Today, I was working as a waitress at this pub. It was dead. After 4 hours I had only made 5$ in tips. A friendly couple came in and complimented EVERYTHING down to the freshness of the lemons in their tea. The bill came to $50. They left me a $5 gift card to Starbucks. I don't drink coffee. FML
Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML
Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML
Today, I rear-ended a car. While we were waiting for the police, we made small talk, at which point I learned that he was an attorney. FML
Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML
Today, my car broke down. My boyfriend, who is not too handy, insisted on fixing it. He called me outside and said he was done and started the engine. Moments after rejoicing, it burst into flames. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend's crazy ex, who let herself in with her old key. She screamed at me to get out of "her" bed, snatched "her" blanket off of my body, and finally dragged the bed itself out the door. I was still in it. FML
jellyfish_ftw tells us more.
OP, replying. this is my big explanation, so pay attention. the whole situation came about because my boyfriend was trying to keep the breakup friendly since they had a kid together, and he wants to stay in his daughter's life. therefore, he hadn't really made a fuss about making her give back everything of his/take everything of hers. this was also because he didn't fully realize how crazy she was. the ex hated my guts already and we all knew it, and she had made threats to my boyfriend saying things like, "she'd better hope she doesn't come across me anywhere, or i'll kick her ass." the morning of the incident, he had left early for work 45 minutes away, leaving me to sleep in. his ex called him at work telling him she needed to get something from the apartment, which he usually leaves unlocked because we live in a small town. he told her it was locked and that i was there and he didn't want her going over there......which made her insanely angry, obviously. she came over with her old key and her sister (in the sister's van) and started flipping shit. i was asleep, and i don't know about the rest of you, but i'm extremely disoriented and out of it when i first wake up. so all i could really do was stare blearily at her while she yelled and tore blankets off. when she grabbed the bed, i woke up enough to get out of it. she took off with the bed, which was a double-size box-spring and mattress, and dragged it to her sister's van which was waiting outside, and they drove off. when my boyfriend came home and found out the situation, he bitched her out and told her he would do something about it if she ever came in without asking/him being there again. there you go, FML. full story.
Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML
Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "What were you reaching for?" FML
Today, our son finally received his autism diagnosis. We sat our daughters down to explain and they both started celebrating, because they thought he was going to a facility and never come back. When I told them he was staying with us, our youngest actually started crying. FML
Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML
Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus, I realized I'd left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML
Today, something blocked my ear. I couldn't get it out, so I went to Urgent Care so I didn't pop my eardrums. Turns out my allergies made my ears stop draining. After they rinsed my ears, I can now hear almost nothing. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML
Today, my ballet teacher decided to tell us, in detail, about the nasty staph infection she has on her boob. The whole time, she was scratching it. FML
fightingkittens tells us more.
Feeling better? It's one thing to talk about the drama in one's personal life, as long as the details aren't too.......well, you get it. It's another thing to talk about a staph infection. I've done research in this field, I know how bad it is. There is no way I could have escaped hearing it unless I had left the classroom; she was out of line here.
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML
Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML
Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML
Today, as usual, I work nights and sleep during the day. I found out that my brother uses my car and never puts gas in it when he called me for the first time to actually ask me if he could borrow my car, and also to lend him $20 to put gas in it. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML
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