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Great planning

By TheBaconater - 03/02/2013 16:22 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voicemail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 808

You deserved it 2 255

No filter

By Judiee - 28/02/2009 10:52 - United States

Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at a family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4 year-old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say, "You're fat! I like fat things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 922

You deserved it 5 785

By love you too mommy - 27/01/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 494

You deserved it 5 296

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 2 507

By an anon - 27/03/2015 05:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, some well-meaning soul told me to just pray my depression away, which would be about as effective as praying away a knife in my shin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 068

You deserved it 3 838

Parental approval

By Brandon - 04/08/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me from her parents' house where she is visiting. They were BBQing outside when out of the blue her childhood friend Adam showed up at the door for the BBQ. She asked her parents why he was there, and her dad replied that he "wants her to know that she has options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 713

You deserved it 3 011

By alostr1 - 06/02/2015 17:32 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's, some kids were running and screaming. One of them stopped right beside me, turned to face me, and threw up in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 553

You deserved it 2 503

By shit_fer_luck - 16/12/2014 16:35 - United States - West Lafayette

Today, someone backed straight into my car as I was hunting for a parking spot. I just got my car back from the body shop after a hit-and-run. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 642

You deserved it 2 539

By aspiemeanswell - 05/11/2014 18:49 - Germany - Rudolstadt

Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 842

You deserved it 3 312

By Anonymous - 09/12/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 653

You deserved it 3 882

By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 21:35 - United Kingdom - Stourport

Today, I won a meal for two in a raffle. I had no one to go with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 097

You deserved it 2 156

By Anonymous - 09/11/2015 00:18 - Netherlands

Today, after months of Tinder-ing, first dates and being rejected, I finally was able to hook up with a girl. We met, we kissed, we danced and I took her back to my place. She then promptly tried to make out with my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 287

You deserved it 3 191

By rinala - 01/07/2012 07:07

Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 837

You deserved it 3 237

By Anonymous - 21/04/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 968

You deserved it 6 556

By Anonymous - 06/04/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 027

You deserved it 6 105

By Anonymous - 29/03/2013 17:13 - United States - Lakeland

Spicy

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 895

You deserved it 5 272

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 582

You deserved it 5 294

My ears!

By PoorMe - 22/02/2013 13:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I muted the TV just in time to hear my mom yell at my dad about how their sex life is "non-existent". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 689

You deserved it 4 739

By IceQueen - 01/02/2014 00:40 - United States - Clinton

Today, I've been without hot water for three days thanks to a frozen water line. I finally managed to thaw the frozen area, only to have the chunk of ice dislodge, slam into a bend in the pipe, and burst the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 853

You deserved it 6 078

Pay attention

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 662

You deserved it 3 238

By AbsolutelyEffed - 19/02/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 139

You deserved it 30 540

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 20:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 093

You deserved it 4 405

By Hairy Cheek - 15/04/2016 04:27 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 429

You deserved it 2 165

By awkward.. - 22/02/2015 05:15 - Canada - Nanaimo

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 380

You deserved it 5 117

By sly - 04/01/2009 03:55 - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 180

You deserved it 3 796

By Username - 21/01/2011 01:41

Spicy

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said, "I'm cheap and I'm easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 216

You deserved it 34 281

By chlorobitch551 - 05/11/2014 16:54 - United States - Charlotte

Spicy

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 2 900

By WorstMedicalBill - 20/11/2009 14:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 214

You deserved it 21 895

By ChristinePi - 26/07/2014 22:09 - United States - Rochester

Today, I woke up from a horrible nightmare. What was it about? Me accidentally scratching a non-stick pan with my utility knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 439

You deserved it 6 643

ChristinePi tells us more.

ChristinePi 36

Friday 5 September 2014 19:17

It was a nightmare to me because once you scratch a nonstick pan you're supposed to throw it away because underneath the coating there's a bunch of bad chemicals that increase your chances of getting cancer. I don't have the money to replace the pan and it wasn't cheap either. Dreams aren't logical, you cannot always control how you feel in them. I know it's silly but in the dream I was very upset about my pan and I woke up distraught. Hence why I consider it a nightmare. Funny enough, I actually did end up scratching one of my pots recently. I'm too poor to buy a new one so I am still using it. OTL

Spelling Bee

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/09/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 067

You deserved it 1 724

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The Top

The Top

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 531

You deserved it 1 996

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 070

You deserved it 9 172

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 661

You deserved it 46 231

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 526

Today, I found out my daughter is tolerating abuse from her boyfriend, all because, “He’s 6’4, has dark hair, and green eyes.” Apparently, that outweighs him treating her like shit. I don’t know what else to tell her to convince her to leave him, or it’s a matter of time before I see her in a coffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 144

Today, I watched my husband attempt to make Cup Noodles. He used the Keurig to make hot water, instead of the kettle or microwave, then he burned himself trying to pour it, got angry, and smashed the mug and the noodles. I married this man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 362