The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I addressed my district manager as "Dude." FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

Today, I was checking out of a hotel when I saw some complementary mints. They weren't mints. They were glass beads. FML

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

Today, I was called a bitch and "freaky as hell" because I don't like watermelon. I'm sorry, but just because I'm black doesn't mean I like watermelon. FML

In a rush

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML

Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML

You're welcome!

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "Babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "Babe." FML

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

Weird assumption

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

Today, I was sitting in a park with a friend when a small child approached us. Just as I moved off the bridge to let the kid play, he asked if I'd like to play as the troll under the bridge. I laughed and said, "No thanks!" to which the kid responded, "But there's nobody else ugly enough." FML

Today, I confessed my love to a guy I've been flirting with for months. He then decided to reject me through a poem on Facebook for all of our friends to read. FML

Scrubber

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

Siren king

Today, I found out that my dog likes to howl when he hears sirens. I live next to the fire station. FML

Horny and dumb

Today, I found out my husband pretends to be a young, bisexual woman online. As if that isn't bad enough, he flipped out and didn't believe me when I told him the other "young, bisexual women" he's been beating it to are probably middle-aged men too. FML

Today, I fell asleep at my desk. It's bad enough that it was for 45 minutes and that I was snoring. What makes it worse? My boss woke me up. FML

Mood ruiner

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said, "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded, "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML