Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML
Today, my mom asked my siblings and me for help cleaning the kitchen. After working for a half hour while all my siblings sat on the couch, I pointed out that I was the only one working. My mom thanked my siblings for not having attitudes like mine and sent me to my room. FML
Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML
Today, during my second day as a receptionist, every time the phone rang I jumped in shock. My co-workers now already think I'm weird. FML
Today, on the way to an exam, I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured, and waited for the paramedics. I was late to school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse, and I failed the exam. It was an exam to test my first aid skills. FML
Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year-old daughter out to eat. Halfway through our "date" she asks me loudly, "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML
Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML
Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML
Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML
Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML
Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML
Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML
Today, I was fired from the restaurant I work at because I missed my shift. I missed it because I was in the hospital for food poisoning from the meal I ate at work last night. FML
Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I'm deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML
Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML
Today, I gave an old owl lamp away because I had no need for it. The new owner informed me shortly after that it was worth $400. FML
Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML
Today, while waiting in line for the ski lift, the lady behind me kept stepping on my skis. Annoyed, I turned around and shouted at her, "Get the fuck off my skis!" Just as the last word escaped my mouth, I noticed that my skis were crossed and it was actually me stepping on them. FML
Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML
Tao26 tells us more.
Today, I finally told my dad that he owes me over 400 dollars, and that I need it or else I'd get kicked out of my apartment. He only gave me 70 and said to get a better job. FML
Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML
Today, my boyfriend promised me he wouldn't leave me alone in Niagara. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel room drinking a bottle of wine while he gambles away money he doesn't have. FML
Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML
Today, my rabbit died. He died a painful death from ingesting too much carpet. I now have no rabbit and a patchy carpet. FML
Today, I received a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, for the past week he has been telling everyone "mummy works as a drug dealer." I'm a pharmacist. FML
iKaite tells us more.
iKaite 0
rofl, dont worry I told him off and sent him to bed without cake.
Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML
Today, a guy tried to pick me up with the line, "You're ugly. Just kidding. You're my date." FML
thebigtwinkie tells us more.
Today, a guy came into my gas station, showed me the gun on his hip, and asked me to kindly empty the register. My asshole boss claimed afterwards that because we live in an open carry state, and because the guy didn't point the gun at me, that there was no actual robbery and I just gave him free money. FML
Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML
Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML
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