Today, in my mom’s house, I can stay in one of two rooms: The one that's clean, tidy, quiet and has a comfortable seat… or the one that's warm. FML
Today, I woke up to the smell of cooking bacon. As I walked down my stairs towards my kitchen, I realised that the smell wasn't coming from bacon, but from my kitchen being on fire. FML
Today, I received the most comments and likes on a Facebook post for years. What exciting thing had happened in my life? Well, I bought a glow-in-the-dark plant. FML
Today, I slept maybe fifteen hours. I'm supposed to be getting better but I'm not sure if I am and that scares the hell out of me. My room is a mess and I'm hungry. Maybe if i just get one sweet kiss, I'll be alright. I'm trying. I think? I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like there's something wrong with me. FML
Today, at a philanthropic event in some old money rich family's garden, I told my daughter she'd have to improve her table manners if she wanted to marry a nice man like that. I looked up and our host was standing right there, looking sternly in our direction. I smiled but he didn't smile back. FML
Today, I'm waiting to be examined thanks to a clitoral abscess. It burst yesterday and has now shrunk to nothing, so the doctor will probably dismiss me again. This is the eighth time in five months, and no one will take me seriously. I'm in agony. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom trying to take a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML
Today, I confronted my dad about his horrible attitude toward women. I pointed out that a man with as many sisters and daughters as he has, shouldn’t refer to women who’ve had children as “damaged goods”. He laughed and said, “Ah well, once it’s been blown out, it’s no good to anyone.” Thanks dad. FML
Today, I've reached the age as a sexless loser where my family no longer tells me to find a "single lady" but rather a "single mother". Thanks for reminding me everyone else had fun in their twenties. FML
Today, the cold I caught last Friday decided to go into the home stretch the day after Christmas. I have sneezing fits late at night. Typically ten sneezes or more in a row and I have no idea when this stupid cold will end. Surprisingly, the worst I had before this was a sore throat and a bit of dry mouth. That's it. FML
Today, thanks to too many true crime podcasts and shows, my wife has lost her marbles. She now insists we use code names for our kids while out in public, so that no predators will hear their real names and follow us home to kidnap them. She’s completely serious. FML
Today, my long distance girlfriend finally responded to me, after a week of silence. Unfortunately, the response was to block me. I'm pretty sure she has found someone else, but doesn't want to tell me. FML
Today, a guy I liked came to pick me up for our first date. As he opened the car door, I noticed nearly an inch of dog hair on every surface of the interior. Not wanting to get it all over me, I asked if we could take my car instead. He was so “insulted” he drove off and left me standing there. FML
Today, I ordered in a kebab and decided to play Billy Ocean on full blast as I waited. The delivery driver reached the lobby, and as I run down, I left my keys behind. So here I am, eating a kebab, outside my house, whilst "Love Really Hurts Without You" plays on the other end of the door. The person with the keys comes in an hour. FML
Today, my boyfriend suffers from Little Man Syndrome and I’m thinking of dumping him, because last night was the seventh time in a year I had to pick him up from hospital after he deliberately picked a fight with a guy bigger than himself and got knocked out. Now he has black eyes and no front teeth. FML
Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML
Today, my mom and stepdad finally grounded my horrible, rebellious sister. The problem is that they grounded me as well in order to "keep me in line and make sure that I don't do what she was doing." FML
Today, after years of toil and stress, and months of agony and torture, I have received my iGCSE exam results. I passed them all but because I'm a perfectionist and didn't get the highest grades, I feel like crap. Now I'm thinking about how I'll have to go through it all again for A levels. FML
Today, and ever since we watched a documentary about televangelists scamming people, my boyfriend randomly imitates them speaking "in tongues" because he knows it freaks me out. He's really good at it as well. FML
Today, I was called a whore by my own parents, simply because I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. Everyone I’ve ever dated has dumped me. FML
Today, I had an Easter Egg Hunt in my backyard for my kids. When they collected all the eggs, they opened them and to their dismay there was no candy inside. When I bought them, I thought they already came with candy. It’s been two hours and my kids won’t stop crying. FML
Today, a noisy little kid in the bus seated behind me asked his mom loudly, "Why is that big man watching cartoons for girls?" Me and the guy next to me, who too was watching on his phone, paused for a bit. He smirked, shaking his head, laughing under his breath. He was watching anime; I was watching My Little Pony. FML
Today, I caught a cold. Turns out that the neighbours who have noisy children have also caught COVID and have to isolate for a week. I not only have to deal with a cold, but I have to overhear kids shows and crying through the thin wall dividing our houses. FML
Today, my husband and I, as well as our two oldest kids, have dark hair. Our youngest came out with very blonde hair, like my older brother's. My husband insists on calling the baby our little “golden-haired Lannister”, no matter how many times I’ve asked him to stop. He thinks it’s hilarious. FML
Today, I finally found out my suspicions about my 12 year-old daughter were correct, and I don’t know which one is worse: She's had a boyfriend and has denied it for the last 3 months, or the fact that my partner thought it was a good idea to let it go on for this long without telling me. FML
Today, I got a bouquet of beautiful flowers from someone I'd never heard of. My boyfriend flipped his shit and stormed out, calling me a cheater. I called the flower shop. Turns out he made a fake order, just so he could accuse me of cheating and dump me. FML
Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML
Today, I cooked for the future in-laws and was accused of trying to poison them. Absolutely no one told me, even as they watched me cook shrimp and smoked sausage gumbo, that my mother-in-law is deathly allergic to shellfish and my father-in-law gets severe diarrhoea when he eats pork. FML
Today, after my husband yet again failed to complete his To-Do list, I took away his Xbox and PlayStation and told him he could have them back once the list was done. He stared at me and said, "No. You're not my mother. Give them back and we will talk like adults." FML
Today, my ex asked me if I would reconsider a future with him. I said, “Only if we can learn to communicate effectively." He said, “Good talk, this time you actually got through to me.” Then he ceased all communication. FML
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