Today, thanks to too many true crime podcasts and shows, my wife has lost her marbles. She now insists we use code names for our kids while out in public, so that no predators will hear their real names and follow us home to kidnap them. She’s completely serious. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, thanks to my wife, our 11 year-old daughter is completely obsessed with serial killers, cults, and true crime. My wife thinks it’s funny and harmless; meanwhile I’m legitimately worried about our child’s mental health. FML
Today, I discovered that my wife named our kids after her former lovers. We have two sons and a daughter. FML
Today, my wife faked being kidnapped. She composed a ransom letter and made calls from her phone screaming for help frantically and hanging up. I got the cops involved. Turns out it was all a scam, because she “wanted to see what I’d do” because apparently she “hasn’t been feeling loved” lately. FML
Today, a bunch of cops showed up at my house demanding to see my wife to make sure she was OK. Turns out my insane out-of-state daughter swatted me, calling 911 to tell them I had tied up my wife, and been impersonating her for a week. FML
Today, to get revenge on our kids for constantly annoying her with that "6, 7" bullshit, my wife has decided to speak only in 90s slang and Pauly Shore quotes. I feel like I haven’t had a normal conversation in weeks! I’m losing my fucking mind! FML
Today, I was chatting with an American woman I met on a dating app. All was going well until she told me the names of her two kids. She had seriously named them "Trump" and "Maga." FML
Today, I found out my 36 year-old wife has been cyberstalking an 18 year old-girl for a week. Why? Because the girl doesn’t believe in QAnon. I found out when my wife’s online business started getting backlash. FML
Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML
Today, my wife and I got frisky in the living room, completely forgetting we recently gave our adult daughter access to our home security cameras for safety reasons. The cameras didn’t see anything but she now keeps making fun of my orgasm noises, which apparently she found hilarious. FML
Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML
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Top comments
Ghostrui 31
This is why when I notice my paranoia gets to be too much I take very long breaks from watching true crime.
RichardPencil 32
I've called my kids Toilet Paper, Bananas, Skittles and Snausages so long, I've forgotten their real names! Skittles is graduating high school soon, so I hope I'm reminded of her real name then.
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Comments (5)
Ghostrui 31
This is why when I notice my paranoia gets to be too much I take very long breaks from watching true crime.
RichardPencil 32
I've called my kids Toilet Paper, Bananas, Skittles and Snausages so long, I've forgotten their real names! Skittles is graduating high school soon, so I hope I'm reminded of her real name then.
SirEnigM0nk 22
So are you Jolly Rancher, and your wife/kid's Mom Sugar Baby?
RichardPencil 32
No, my wife is Coffee Filters and I, of course, am Ticonderoga #2.
ninjacat 10
Trust me, no one wants your kids. I grew up in the “stranger danger” times and literally no one was ever even the slightest bit targeted or groomed. Maybe you live someplace shady but code names are weird. Just don’t post your kids on social media (which is creepy in more ways than what what you mentioned) and maybe get your partner a prescription for Xanax. Or maybe look into moving to a better neighborhood lol
poopface82 25
If she knew anything about true crime, she would know most kidnappings are by people the victim knows. So either she’s a complete idiot or she’s planning to kidnap the kids. Either way, divorce the bitch and get custody, and then it might be wise to start using code names.
slhiggx 17
I have 3 kids. In public I call them #1, #2, #3. And we have a safe word. So yeah.