Today, I was barely out of the shower when someone knocked on the door. Thinking it was my husband, I opened the door wearing just a bathrobe. It was my husband. With two cops. "Do you know this man?" FML
IcyDarcy tells us more.
OP here. So happy this got published, I need to frame it and gift it to my husband so he'll never forget this glorious moment :D Here's the full story: We were visiting some of my relatives for the holidays, and they live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. My husband didn't know the place, it was the night (rather dark because there are very few streetlights), and he was a bit tipsy because it was Christmas. Anyway, on his way home from a walk, he got a bit lost and mistook another house for my relatives's house. (As I had told him I would lock the door but leave a door-window unlocked, it didn't surprise him that the door was locked.) But, the real house owner happened to come home right at that moment, and you can imagine his reaction when he saw a stranger trying to open one of his windows. Apparently, he tried to ask my husband what he was doing, and I don't know what my husband replied, but anyway, my husband didn't speak the language and the house owner didn't speak English. So I can't blame him for calling the cops because I would've probably done the same. Still, I was VERY mad when the cops brought my husband home, to the point that upon leaving, they actually told me, “Don't be too harsh on him, it was a honest mistake and he was very nice to us. We explained the situation, you can tell him it's all fine.” But I was so mad that I let my husband believe he would really get in trouble for a short while, haha :D
Today, I sent a message to my boyfriend saying that I missed him and love him very much. When I received a response, saying that he loved me and missed me too, I noticed that I had accidentally texted my ex. FML
Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML
Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because of our differing skin tones. The contrast weirds him out during sex. FML
Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML
Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML
Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML
Today, I woke up in an amazing mood and practically jumped out of bed, only to fall flat on my face. In my half-asleep daze I'd forgotten that I'm missing a leg. FML
Today, I told the man I love to "go first" when we started talking at the same time. I wanted to confess my feelings, he wanted to tell me about his engagement. FML
Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML
Today, my lazy, obese mother took the last motor cart at the grocery store. My leg is in a cast. She told me to "use the shopping cart to help with the limp" as she rolled away. FML
Today, I wanted to talk about marriage and our future with my boyfriend of over 10 years. My 30-year-old boyfriend responded by hiding under a blanket and pretending he couldn't hear me. FML
Today, my friend told me that my brother sent her a picture of his dick. How did she tell me this? By sending me the picture. FML
Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I'm severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML
Today, I was entertaining people during an extra curricular school function in order to help "brighten people's spirits in their time of need." After it was all over, I found out that my phone had been stolen. FML
Today, my flight was delayed 3 hours so I was scrolling through my phone. Minding my own business, I was swiping through tinder and some guy behind me goes, “Ouch; hard no for that one?” And I turn around only to see the man I JUST swiped left on. FML.
Today, I'm fasting for Lent. I'm a copywriter and my current client is a food company. I have to research about, and look at pictures of food all day. FML
Today, after searching everywhere to find out where the funny smell that seemed to follow me everywhere came from, I finally found the sausage that my father had put in my purse. It has been a week. FML
Today, my coworker got angry at a mean customer. She came to the back where I work and started punching the wall repeatedly. When I tried to intervene and stop her from breaking her hand, she punched me in the stomach and uppercut me. FML
Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML
Today, while going to the mall, I witnessed the horror of someone sneezing and shitting themselves at the same time. FML
Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML
Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML
Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML
Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML
Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML
Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML
Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML
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