Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

Cockstepblocked

Today, while rushing upstairs to have sex, I tripped on the stairs and rammed my naked boner into the edge of the step. All my wife could do is laugh at me. Now it even hurts to pee or put my trousers on. FML

Today, I popped a boner while my braces were being tightened. FML

Ouchies

Today, I was naked and the wife tried to flick my bum with a wet towel. Unfortunately I bent over at the wrong moment and the towel cracked right against the underside of my dangling penis. The whole underside is bruised, it hurts to pee, and God help me tomorrow if I get morning wood. FML

Not now, Cooper

Today, I got a boner at the dentist's. FML

Bye bye

Today, after years of impotence, I woke up with a raging boner. I was so happy until I remembered my wife divorced me last year because of my impotence. This depressed me so much that I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to masturbate, and the boner went bye bye, never to return. FML

Morning glory

Today, I woke up with a huge boner. My girlfriend saw it, rolled her eyes and said, "Not a chance." FML

Smooth talker

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

To each their own

Today, I took off my socks after I got home from the gym. Later, I found my fiance sniffing them, with an enormous boner in his pants. Ew. Ewwww. FML