Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML
Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating ice cream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
I hope you scrambled his eggs with a sharp scrotal slap.
gusgus36 5
haha whatever, he's just kidding around... you can't use the word "sausage" with a guy and expect them to not say something like that lol
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Comments (192)
xITZxTuRtLeX 0
all that remains,kill switch engage,cannibal corpse,napalm death,under oath,rammstein???????shoot me some more
Melli17 3
there's your sausage but were are you eggs?
mercedeskris 0
I wish my boyfran did that! hilarious!!!
Flameklr 0
The Word Alive, We Came As Romans, My Chemical Romance, Abandon All Ships, Of Mice and Men, Escape The Fate, etc. the list goes on with me lol
Vanillaxfun 1
Lol thats fked up
blacklily0103 0
hahaha that is hilarious!! I couldn't stop laughing. you've got a keeper there.
JustTray11 0
LMFAO!!! That sounds like something my husband would do. I was in tears reading it to him.
Tysonator 0
what a great guy. congratulations!
bbygiirl 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. hilarious!!
Notimetobleed 14
my chemical romance? really? gayy