Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend was stroking my stomach and looking into my eyes. It was very romantic, until he grabbed my love handles and said, "Mmmm... bacon..." FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML
Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating ice cream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he started shaking really hard. When I asked him what he was doing, he simply said, "I want to be better than your vibrator!" FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
perdix 31
I hope you scrambled his eggs with a sharp scrotal slap.
gusgus36 5
haha whatever, he's just kidding around... you can't use the word "sausage" with a guy and expect them to not say something like that lol
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (192)
Tadeusz_fml 5
Oh dear. Dump him? If not for the **** thing, for somehow thinking 'would you like scrambled eggs' is a euphemism.
syddyb 0
that's nasty. I guess you two have a strong relationship? xD
Tadeusz_fml 5
Either she's dating a pre-schooler, or her boyfriend thinks he's a character in a **** film. Either way, something is terribly wrong here.
traze 7
Syddyb you is ******* beautiful. just had to write it.
Zebidee 9
No you didn't, and if you did, could you at least write it properly?
traze 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why dont you go suck on a dick. You ****.
theian01 3
Hey, that gives me an idea for tomorrow morning... :-D
C6Racer 0
Seriously, "you is"? She's going to ignore you just for that.
DocBastard 40
Traze, while I'm sure your "you is beautiful" is successful in moistening most women's panties, that strategy doesn't work often here. I would try "omg your gorges" or "how much for a bj" or "ur hottttttt lololololololol." Do it now.
traze 7
I'm thankful for the correction of my mistake. I didn't realize it after I posted it and went about looking for a delete a comment button, but my efforts was futile on the phone. To docbasterd I thank you for the retarded suggestion and forever grateful. Peace bitch.
TurboTalon 0
Were**
traze 7
Were: Etymology: Middle English were (suppletive singular past subjunctive & 2d singular past indicative of been to be), weren (suppletive past plural of been), from Old English wǣre (singular past subjunctive & 2d singular past indicative of wesan to be), wǣron (past plural indicative of wesan), wǣren (past plural subjunctive of wesan) — Was: Etymology: Middle English, from Old English, wæs, 1st & 3d singular past indicative of wesan to be; akin to Old Norse vera to be, var was, Sanskrit vasati he lives, dwells past 1st & 3d singular of be. Look at this prick and correct yourself.
ShadyFTW1 0
Traze, do yourself a favor and stop trying to be badass over the internet. Getting your panties in a twist over a grammar Nazi just shows you are a petty little bitch.
traze 7
Ahhh... agreed.
boopityboppity 11
What 65 posted doesn't matter. One cannot say, "My efforts was..." Just lettin' you know.
CitizenSnipz 0
Shady's pic is too true. Hint hint.
traze 7
Indeed. " My effort(s) were futile. "
5t3ff1k4h 47
Pick one: 1. "My effort was..." 2. "My efforts were..."
IVANTTOCOME 0
Suck one ^^
sixtimessix 0
I loled through this whole thing. The FML has nothing on these comments.
Farion 7
A) She's 16, most likely illegal for you B) Your flirting over FML, that should be an FML in itself C) It contained 0% game at all.
ColetteL 4
All 65 shows is that you can copy and paste.
syddyb 0
31- Thank you very much. I don't get that very often and it made my day, no matter how it's written. (:
xXshotsXx 0
haha I get it
mamamiaaa_fml 12
Aww you don't get that much? Well you're pretty! ANYWAYS so yes what was the FML. dammit I forgot. oh yes boyfriend waving junk in your face. Well YDI for saying yes.
MetroKidd 0
Let's all boost 115's ego! ready go! and ya, that sounds like a good idea on paper, but I would rather keep my junk than have it ripped off by a pissed girlfriend
falluke17 0
docbastard, you is dum its sad u spend so much time on hear corrected ppl...
MetroKidd 0
134 is about to get bent over, thar grammar was stellar! Have fun Doc!
ShadyFTW1 0
134, I truly hope you were joking with that comment. If not, I'm surprised you are smart enough to log onto a computer.
MrFerret 0
Im sure he is capable. He told me he logged onto your mom last night, just sayin.
theian01 3
Doc is the man.
TheCurlyTheory 0
You're an idiot. Or should I say "you a idiot"?
sexyschmergel 0
Awee, he's sweet :D
dannyswin 0
cute pic
Mpsteve13 7
you're hot
lekiat 0
****!!
traze 7
Somebody is a jealous hater.
MuchDance90s 0
Mmmm doubt it if she were jealous she would have posted an equally skanky (and fake) pic
beautiful_disast_fml 2
that pic is really not necessary
traze 7
Oh yes she is cause calling someone names without proper evidence goes to show the very treat that they are displaying. In my case calling her a " jealous hater " is by doing it with her comment of " **** ".
traze 7
To the lady, what appears to me sitting on the toilet, your comment is not necessary and as well as your pic of your ugly bathroom curtains. What awful taste people have.
boatingboy1011 0
ur hot. nice chesticles
bmexoxo98 0
she does have evidence that she's a ****. she's wearing a major push up bra and take of pic of her self in it and puts it as a profile picture.
phapho88 0
id make u breakfast everyday ;)
mazzera_fml 7
why would u put a pic up with only a bra on. i guess u dont want anyone looking at your ugly mug. haha
Robert3Ash 0
hi
rfngxhhshi 0
I can only imagine the things the guy before me probably said.
daminantion 14
probably something relating her bodacious curves bs him being a typical black guy
mazzera_fml 7
lol i called her ugly!
thejacl 0
what do you MEAN my daughter was raped?!?!?
dizzyclear91 0
aaaahahahahah that's sumtin I would do... y u not eat the breakfest he made 4u
DocBastard 40
Why do you not write coherently? And what's a breakfest? Some kind of plate-smashing festival? Sounds like fun.
lol523 0
he was kidding dont be so serious
DocBastard 40
Don't ******* tell me how to live my life. If I choose to be serious all the time and never sarcastic, then that is how I will live, goddammit. It's good for my blood pressure. Shit.
gopherguy 0
I'm amazed that you have never been banned.
RedPillSucks 33
Damnit Marvin, you missed your cue. Life, Don't talk to DocBastard about life.
DocBastard 40
Why would I get banned? I'm innocent! I've never paid off the mods! You can't prove anything!! *hides under the blanket*
Sirin_fml 47
Those cigars you sent me really were top quality, Doc. I'll see what I can do about your debtor problem.
ktrose 0
Why would Doc get banned? His comments are amazing!
aliaskis 3
Can I vote for Doc to become President of the FML site? Also, I propose a "correction fee" of $0.01 every time he has to correct someone due to an idiotic lack of coherency. He would become rich.
Link_Asriel 0
Nah brah bein suriuz all da tyme iz bad fer yur blud pressurez. Somebody please shoot me for that?^
5t3ff1k4h 47
124 - Only if you count me in on that too. The stupidity on here's disgusting. AM$0.01 for every time he or I correct someone in spelling or grammar; AM$1.00 for every time we correct someone's flawed logic.
5t3ff1k4h 47
Correction, since the editor didn't post my correction: ...for every time we correct someone's spelling or grammar...***
shona_fml 0
LMFAO that's HILARIOUS!!! Sorry that happened to you, but still, it's pretty funny! he probably learned that joke the last time he was with his buddies and was waiting for the perfect time to use it! I'll be lockin' that one in the vault in the event a man says that to me! Thanks for that! seriously though OP, sucks (no pun intended) but still hilarious. FYL
BDTM 0
I hope that's sarcasm
zazooftanzania 4
says the stripper
Andrea87_fml 3
lol!
gusgus36 5
haha whatever, he's just kidding around... you can't use the word "sausage" with a guy and expect them to not say something like that lol
MuchDance90s 0
unless they're over 17, I guess
perdix 31
I hope you scrambled his eggs with a sharp scrotal slap.
CitizenSnipz 0
PERDIX IS BACK!
_HeadShot_ 0
5828 comments made on fml by perdix? that's more than pendatic I believe
Alleged_Cranium 7
You shoulda tried to crack open the eggs.
jobart_fml 5
a la feline...
kittycatman2 3
I get an option?
dumbrownhead 0
Hahaha!! That's hilarious OP!! Learn how to take a joke!
3rand0n 3
You asked for "with sausage", didn't you?